Seeing and being seen, the foundation of a good relationship

"Seeing and being seen, the foundation of a good relationship" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Everyone has the right to their guilty pleasures. One of my guilty pleasures goes by the name "MAFS" - in full: Married at First Sight. So yes, this season too I was glued to my screen three times a week via Videoland. It's always lovely to watch young love blossom, in the hope that the fairytale ends in "... and they lived happily ever after." Unfortunately, for many of the matches that is a fairly optimistic thought.

Seeing and being seen

What strikes me every single time, though - especially with the couples where things are not going well - is that there is no "seeing and being seen" at all. Even though that is precisely the absolute foundation of every meaningful relationship. The only couple where it does happen is Mariska and Peter. Seeing each other, really seeing each other, of course doesn't mean you have to like everything about each other. But it does mean you give the other person the space to be fully themselves. To be allowed to be completely there, without conditions.

Dennis and Stefan

If, like me, you also watched MAFS, then you know exactly who I mean when I talk about Dennis and Stefan. At first glance a lovely couple. But during the couples' days Dennis suddenly threw a spanner in the works. Nobody - really nobody - seemed to see that this was an act of desperation. A cry from within: "See me!" Even the so-called experts didn't pick up on it.

On social media he was dismissed without mercy as a narcissist. As if that were a ready-made label that explains everything. As a Pro Domme, I always look at the words behind the words. At what is not being said. And what I saw in Dennis was a man who felt invisible. Who was suffocating in the negative energy of the group. Even his great love Stefan didn't see it. He was enjoying himself, joking around with the ladies. And Dennis? He couldn't take any more. The outburst may have been clumsy, but it was entirely understandable. It was pure powerlessness. And nobody saw it.

Because yes, tears that are visible get sympathy. But tears that are hidden, invisible in silent sorrow, are overlooked. As if they are less real. As if they hurt less. Poor Dennis. My heart broke. It is terrible when you are not seen. When you have to scream and cling to acts of desperation just to get a little space and a right to exist.

Being seen within BDSM

Within BDSM it is all about precisely that: seeing and being seen. Not only by the other person, but also - and perhaps most of all - by yourself. Can you allow yourself to be fully there? With all your layers, with your shadow and your light? Not just the well-behaved, adapted part that fits neatly into the social picture. But also your raw side, your needy side, your dominant or submissive side, your fantasies, your fears, your craving for control or for surrender.

So many people don't dare to own that. They hide their desires, because what if their partner thinks it's strange? What if you get laughed at? Or left? What if your deep need to be tied up, to be led, to not have to be in control of everything for once - what if that is too much? And so you stay silent. While inside you are screaming. See me. Just like Dennis.

It is so recognisable to me

I know how that feels. Because I, too, spent years trying to hide my dominant side. I saw it as something negative, something I had to push away. Until I realised that this very part makes me complete. That I only found balance when I embraced myself as a whole. When I stopped rejecting parts of myself and said: this is me too. And how grateful I am to have a partner who fully sees that. Who sees me completely. Who not only makes room for the Mistress in me, but also for my soft side, my playful side, my silly, sometimes downright childlike side. My whole being. Unconditionally.

And he does it without words. He sees me in silence. Because he looks beyond the first layer. Because we recognise each other in what doesn't need to be said. Seeing and being seen. It sounds so simple. But it is rare. And that is exactly why it is so valuable. Because that is where everything begins.

Seeing completely...

Whether you are searching for love through MAFS, or in the cellar of your soul - the need is the same. We all want to be seen. Not as a role, but as a human being. And we must never overlook that. In any relationship. And certainly not in BDSM.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah