Truly being seen: The basic condition for happiness

“Truly being seen: The basic condition for happiness“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

I recently received a message from a slave in training. For the first time in a long while, he felt completely seen. By me and by my schlemiel. It touched me. On the one hand it made me happy, but a wave of sadness also washed over me. Don't we all long to be completely seen, while in today's society that is becoming harder and harder?

Being seen

We live in a time in which we seem more connected than ever. I deliberately write "seem", because in reality more and more people feel lonely and invisible. Smartphones, social media and a constant stream of superficial stimuli have turned us into pixels in a sea of algorithms. Everything seems to be becoming more superficial, and truly being seen has almost become a luxury. What a sad development. Surely that is not a road we should all want to go down together? Ultimately, "being completely seen" is something we all strive and long for, and it is also essential for our mental wellbeing.

The longing for real attention

Nobody wants to be a grey mouse. Whether you are a CEO or someone who stacks shelves, deep down we all want to be acknowledged. Not only for what we do, but above all for who we are. But in a world where a “like” or a superficial comment is often the high point of interaction, our inner need to be seen cries out for fulfilment.

Not being seen, or feeling that you are not being seen, can cause a deep sense of loneliness. Psychologists point out that this can even lead to feelings of worthlessness or depression. On the other hand, when someone truly sees you, with all your quirks and shortcomings, this can have a transformative effect. It gives you self-confidence and offers a safe foundation for being yourself.

Imagine sitting in a room for years without anyone ever seeing you. That sounds terribly lonely, doesn't it? Yet in an emotional sense, this happens to many people every day. When we are constantly occupied with superficial interactions, we forget to truly see each other. Who hasn't had a conversation with someone who paid more attention to their phone than to you? That surely didn't feel very okay. Not to me, at least.

Being seen within BDSM

Within BDSM, everything revolves around connection, seeing and being seen, or at least it should. The real BDSM experience is about intense, undiluted attention. Whether you are dominant or submissive, you have to attune yourself completely to the other person. Every gesture, every breath, every subtle shift in energy matters. It is as if you are sitting together in a bubble in which only the two of you exist.

Take a dominant/submissive (giver/taker) dynamic, for example. The Dom has to sense the needs and limits of the submissive, sometimes even before the sub knows what he needs himself. That requires not only an open heart and empathy, but also a keen eye. Conversely, the submissive makes himself completely vulnerable, which is only possible if he feels completely accepted.

That is what makes BDSM so powerful. It is a space where you can escape the superficial and surrender completely to authenticity. No filters, no “perfect” versions of yourself. Just you, with everything you are.

Outside the BDSM experience

It is obvious that complete focus is needed within the BDSM experience, but it is just as important to keep seeing each other outside it. Truly seeing doesn't only happen during the live experiences; the contact outside them can be used perfectly for this. During the sessions you merely dot the proverbial i's. It is precisely all those conversations and moments of contact outside the sessions that allow you to go just a little further within the live BDSM experience. Precisely because of the bond you have built with each other. Building such a bond is not something you do in just two or three hours.

When I see a confirmation, in the form of an e-mail like the one from the slave in training, I feel the positive energy racing through my body. Because by feeling completely seen by me (and being happy because of it), he simultaneously sees me, in my entirety. That is not a win/win outcome, but a win/win/win!

And that is why I always say very loudly that BDSM is so much more than waving a little whip around and calling everyone a loser. Without investing outside the sessions, you miss the shine of the real pearls. And yes, if you want to do it properly, it takes a lot of time and energy, but you get so much beauty in return. And that is priceless.

Seeing and accepting

But what does “seeing” really mean? It is not only about noticing that someone is there, but about fully acknowledging them. That also means accepting. Sometimes that is easier said than done. It requires vulnerability from both sides. Seeing the other person, truly seeing them, also means being confronted with their less perfect sides. And that is where the magic lies: true acceptance.

A subtle example: your partner confesses that he has a fascination with feet. You can choose: do you make a lame joke about it, or do you try to understand why it is so important to him? If you do the latter, you not only give him the space to be himself, but also to feel truly seen and accepted. Believe me, your relationship will genuinely be much better for it. You don't have to start having your feet worshipped right away, but at least give the other person the feeling that he is being taken seriously and isn't getting a sticker slapped on him that says "not okay".

BDSM as an example

BDSM, in all its intensity, is a mirror of how relationships could be. It teaches us to give each other sincere attention, to communicate openly and to respect each other as we are. This can be an enormous lesson in a world where superficiality dominates. Because ultimately we all want the same thing: to be seen. With all our beauty, but also with our imperfections. Because when you feel seen, you feel alive. When you are ignored, it feels as if you are slowly disappearing. And nobody deserves that feeling.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mrs Moriah
Photography: BDSMforyou