Time in a BDSM experience – an illusion, an enemy and a gift

"Time in a BDSM experience – an illusion, an enemy and a gift" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Time. Something so simple and always present. One moment it seems to crawl like a snail, the next it races by like an express train. Magical and elusive, yet always there and inescapable. Within a BDSM experience, time can become something big, or even something powerful. It is something you can lose completely - or experience with brutal intensity. Time within a session is never neutral. It can be magical, but also disruptive.

For me, time sometimes feels as if it bends to the energy that arises between me and the sub in that moment. As if the clock holds its ticks the moment the sub stands in front of me, the moment I catch his eye, the moment I pick up the first piece of rope, whip or whatever it may be. Or the moment the first smile appears around my lips because the other seems to be digging his own grave. As if time - for a moment - decides to leave us in peace.

While in the background it carries on unperturbed. Tick...Tock...Tick...Tock...

The clock as spoilsport

Let's start with what happens when time is not a friend. Because I think many Pro Dommes will recognise this: you are in the middle of an intense experience, your sub has gone deep, or you are building a beautiful field of tension… and suddenly you feel it: the clock. An invisible presence at the back of your mind. Damn!

“What time is it?”
“How much longer?”
“Will I make it?”
“Shit, only twenty minutes left and I still have to wrap it up properly.”

And bam - the moment is gone.

Because let's be honest: you don't want to be worrying about whether you'll 'make it'. You want to get lost in what is happening. In the body beneath you and in the energy of the moment. One glance at the clock and you are out of the moment. Then you are no longer in your Dominance, but in your schedule. And that doesn't just feel unpleasant for you, I'm certain the sub feels it too. As if an invisible wall suddenly slides between you. A crack in the energetic connection.

That is the downside of paid sessions with a strict end time. Sometimes it has to be finished “on time”, because the space is only available for a certain period and the next Mistress or client is almost about to arrive. And there goes the magic. Because the soul doesn't care about time. Surrender doesn't come on command. And a session only ends when the moment is complete, not when the hour is over.

Time as an instrument of torture

And then there is the other side. Time as an instrument. Because let me be honest: I love playing with time. Stretching it out or drawing it out. Turning it into an instrument of torture. Making subs wait - for example. In silence, out of sight and in uncertainty.

Do you know that feeling when you are waiting for something and you have no idea when it will come? Think of the dentist. Or test results. Those minutes feel like hours. That is exactly what you can do with time. Put a blindfolded sub in a corner. Say nothing. Do nothing. Let him wait. Time slows down. And every second becomes tangible.

Or long-term confinement. Bodybag. Cage time. Cling film. Time turns into an abstraction. You know it keeps ticking, but you lose every hold. All you have left is your breathing, your body and your surrender. And that is where the magic lies. Because that is exactly where I want you. In the now. Not in your head. Not in your expectations. But in the surrender of the moment. Where everything falls silent, even time.

When it is a gift

But it can also be something beautiful. Something you give. Sometimes time is the most precious thing you can give another person. Not just “time on the clock”, but real time. Attention. Presence. No rushing. No planning ahead. Simply: being.

Sometimes I leave subs lying in bondage - not even that tight - simply bound, dependent and vulnerable. I stay sitting with them. I feel their calm, their surrender. Sometimes I rest a hand on their belly. Or I stay silently present. And the time that arises then is almost sacred. The sub doesn't know what time it is. And he doesn't care. Because he feels: “She is here. And She keeps watch.” That is time in its most beautiful form.

It flies by, for me too

There are experiences after which I look at the clock and think: how?! Hours have passed, but it feels like a quarter of an hour. Or the other way round: we've only just started, but in the intensity it feels as if we've been at it for hours. As if together we've stepped into another dimension where time runs at a different pace.

And then comes the moment of untying, returning, landing. Sometimes we sit in silence for a while afterwards. No words needed. Just a look, a gentle touch or simply a glass of water. And a realisation: what happened in there doesn't fit into hours. It fits into memories.

The stilling of time

Sometimes I also use time to empty the sub's mind. For example during a long bondage session where you know beforehand: this will last at least an hour. Then he slowly sinks into that calm. First restlessness, then surrender. And then the great nothing. The seconds tick away, but nobody counts them any more.

I experience it myself too. Sometimes during a long whipping session. I slip into a kind of rhythm. As if time ceases to exist. As if there is only sound and movement. I don't have to think, everything happens by itself. With my focus entirely on the other. Nothing else. At such a moment I don't even feel the daily pain of my body.

Time pressure: the enemy of surrender

The greatest enemy of a good experience is haste. When you both know there is a time slot. That there is “something still to do”. That you have to hurry up. There goes your magic. For me, an experience that I can shape entirely in my own way - without time pressure - is the finest of all. Whether it is a private encounter or a paid one makes no difference to me in that respect. I actually never really watch the time.

With my private subs, but also with other subs who come now and then, there is a lot of respect for my time. They arrive on time. They are well prepared and focused. And more importantly: there is often a greater degree of reciprocity. Because time costs energy. Time costs money. And time also costs space in my head. And when I give that space, I want to feel it isn't being abused.

With free encounters (which I sometimes do out of goodwill or as a favour) I unfortunately see this go wrong more often. People arrive late. They don't prepare (or not well enough). They are busy with their own experience, but forget the effect on me. As if my time is worth less because it has no price tag attached. And that hurts. Because I always give with my whole heart. But I don't want to be left empty. That is exactly why I do this less and less often (you might as well say "never"). It isn't inviting when my time is seen as "a given" or perhaps even as "unimportant".

As a mirror

Time is not just the ticking of a clock. It is a mirror. It shows how much you are willing to give. How much calm you dare to find within yourself. How deep you dare to descend. How well you know yourself. Because in the silence of waiting, of being bound, of being at someone's mercy, you see yourself. And as a Dominant, I feel everything then.

And no, I am not a machine. My days fly by too sometimes. I also have to do the shopping, finish work, drive to appointments, look after my elderly father, keep up with the bookkeeping. And that means not every day lends itself to magic. Sometimes I'm tired too. And my diary also has clock times in it. So yes - I get it. Time isn't always elastic. But what I want is for us both to realise that time is a choice. And sometimes having no time or not wanting to make time is also a form of choice.

Time...

For me, time is not an enemy, not a structure, not a limitation…
But a gift.

A precious gift.
From me to you.
From you to me.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mrs Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com