BDSM for Beginners: How Do You Get Started?

“BDSM for Beginners: How Do You Get Started?” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Even if BDSM has been running through your veins since birth, everything has a beginning, and every beginning can be difficult. For some, everything happens naturally, perhaps because you quickly find the right partner; for others, the process is a bit more difficult and requires a bit more “flail and juggle” to bring your BDSM fantasy to life. There are also people for whom the penny only drops later in life. And you know what? That’s all perfectly fine. Just follow your own path. For all beginners, here are these tips & tricks!

Disclaimer

This blog is written from the perspective of a dominant woman and a submissive man, but of course these tips also apply to a situation involving a dominant man and a submissive woman, as well as all other variations. However, to keep the blog easy to read, I have chosen to focus on just one perspective.

Make it a topic of discussion

If you discover BDSM feelings within yourself and you have a partner, try to make it a topic of discussion. Try to find out how he feels about BDSM. What is unknown is often misunderstood, and unfortunately, the media often only reports on excesses, which can create a vague and distorted image of BDSM. But BDSM isn’t just about pain, submission, and humiliation; it’s also very loving, intense, and exciting. It can be extreme, but it doesn’t have to be. Above all, BDSM is a blueprint for the two of you; together, you determine the path to – and the intensity of – your experience.

It’s best not to surprise your partner by suddenly standing in front of them with a whip without warning. Chances are, this won’t be well received. But of course, you can fantasize with your partner about the things that turn you on. Sharing a fantasy is still very free and safe, and who knows – these kinds of conversations might eventually lead to the desired results.

Explore different toys together

Toys can help push boundaries in a playful way. There are all kinds of fun, safe, and playful BDSM starter kits available. These usually include (soft) handcuffs, a playful whip, a blindfold, and a rope. With these, you can make your intimacy a little more exciting without getting into extremes. It’s better to start off on the right foot (even if it’s slow) and explore together as you search for your boundaries.

Respect each other’s boundaries

And when it comes to exploring boundaries, you’ve already established the most important agreement between you. Always respect each other’s boundaries. If one of you indicates they don’t want to go further, the other must respect that. After all, it’s all about trust. By the way, this applies not only to the sub but just as much to the dominant. They, too, may encounter boundaries, and that’s perfectly fine.

To keep BDSM safe and enjoyable, it’s important to agree on rules in advance. For example, the use of a safe word. A code word – known to both of you – that either of you can use when you reach such a boundary. Make sure this word is unique. “Stop,” for example, is not a good code word, because in practice it can also be shouted spontaneously in the heat of the moment, without actually wanting to stop. It is recommended to use a completely different word, such as: a color, an animal, a random noun, or a number. It doesn’t matter, as long as it’s a word you say very deliberately, so that the experience stops immediately.

Take time for each other

BDSM isn’t suited for a “quickie.” It takes time to prepare everything properly. BDSM is intense, and it’s incredibly important to take time for each other afterward to discuss your emotions, feelings, and experiences. Only that way can you grow together.

Start an experience (or play) calmly and gradually. I would even say “as simply as possible.” It is precisely by taking small steps together that you build a stable foundation to build upon. The bigger the steps you take, the greater the chance that one of you will back out and even develop an aversion to BDSM. And that would be a real shame, because BDSM can actually strengthen your relationship and deepen your love for each other.

Be mindful of the intensity

Depriving the senses and/or imposing restrictions can increase the intensity. It’s important to know this before you blindfold your partner, restrict their hearing, or use bondage. BDSM is primarily about power, getting under the other person’s skin. By depriving your partner of certain senses (blindfold, earplugs) or restricting their movement (bondage, handcuffs, spreader bar), you limit them, making it highly likely that you will begin to dominate their mind. Because of their dependence, they can open up much more to the moment – and thus to everything you do with them – and in that way lose themselves in “nothingness.”

BDSM can be intense

A BDSM experience can be quite intense. As I mentioned earlier, afterplay and a good debriefing are incredibly important. For both of you. Give your partner the chance to recover from the experience after a BDSM session—a moment of rest, coming back down to earth, literally landing. Maybe you both even need this for a moment. But once that’s done, it’s important that you take time for each other and talk about your experience. What did it trigger in you? How did you experience it? What were the beautiful or, conversely, intense moments? By honestly sharing your experiences with each other afterward, growth is possible, and the BDSM (and love) between you will become increasingly intense.

Enjoy it!

More information

Getting started with BDSM, but what is the first step?
Low budget BDSM
Getting Started – theme page

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com