Being a slave is what you are, not what you become

“Being a slave is what you are, not what you become“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by slave Seerena.

Around 2005 I first came into contact with BDSM, well, the term at least, and a little later the physical side of it. I had some feelings that I didn't understand and that went completely against my way of being. A friend of mine was a Kajira, her partner a Master (Gorean), and when I dared to take the step and say that I no longer understood myself, she picked up on it straight away and started a conversation with me. She began to explain that one doesn't exclude the other: my independence, my tough-girl mentality and always taking the lead in decisions and/or directing others had nothing to do with your inner feelings... my everyday self is partly learned, and underneath those layers of taking responsibility there was still the sweet girl who needed to let go every now and then.

Follow-up conversation

A few days later her Master joined the follow-up conversation to explain the 'dominant' side of the story, the why and how of it. I listened in amazement, partly in disbelief and with a lot of 'that sounds so lovely'... to not have to do anything for a while. He was willing to let me get acquainted with his experience of BDSM step by step. After a few meetings it was already very clear: I slid naturally towards the obedient side. I did everything he asked without any form of protest and it always felt very good. I took every question as an order and it made me proud when he was satisfied, and it frustrated me when I couldn't get something done, and even in that I came to know pride.... not managing something is a learning moment, not failing.

During the 2 years that I was allowed to come to them, he showed me the way and showed me what is and isn't good, how I can tell the difference between what I actually want myself and what gives me peace, and then he let me go. I was clearly not suited to being a Kajira. I simply don't have that degree of submissiveness in me, and it can't be taught either.

What I did learn in that time is that I am absolutely 100% obedient, that I don't doubt a dominant's word, and I was told that I am a slave... that frightened me. It's quite something, and even though I could relate very well to being guided, I found that direction rather intense.

Last assignment

He gave me one last assignment: don't overthink it and let yourself be guided by the feeling you now do recognise... and that is what I did. For months I wrestled with the word slave. Me, an independent woman who dares to take charge, being a slave? I looked around me, saw the subs and the slaves and the difference in how they interacted with their Master/Mistress. It is easy to see when you know what to look for, and I recognised myself in it... I was that slave who walked proudly through a club, who knew exactly what my dominant wanted at what moment, without it ever having been indicated or said. I always wanted to please him, to arrange everything to perfection when something was asked, to carry out assignments however difficult, not because I had to, but because I wanted to.

The more experience I gained in SM, and above all the more I grew, the more I learned about myself... a slave is precisely a decisive woman, clever, a chameleon, resolute and full of confidence in her abilities. At that moment I had to think back to the Master from the beginning, who brought up the buried feelings that had always been in me... I realised only too well that I find it very lovely and satisfying to be able to do something for the dominant. Making him proud gives me a great deal of fulfilment, and even though besides being a slave I am also a masochist... there has always been a caring side to it too, without my realising.

Picking up on the small details: that the dominant went past his own limits to give me what I needed, that something isn't entirely okay physically, and subtly making it stop, because I didn't want there to be so much discomfort in the days afterwards that it would get in the way. To this day I feel that my pleasure should not become an inconvenience for the dominant... doesn't sound like a masochist, does it... but I am one.

Serving

A friend of mine, also a slave, recently pointed out to me, very precisely, that I am more service-oriented than I realised, or perhaps than I want to admit: not thinking about offering a drink, finding exactly the right spot to kneel next to the dominant and wait, not simply joining a conversation but waiting for the right moment to get attention to ask something. And when I thought about it, that really is what I do... I truly don't think about it, I just do it, and all of this makes it complete for me.

Being a slave makes me complete: handing over the reins with enthusiasm to the dominant, not thinking but just doing, the easy things but also the difficult ones, letting yourself be helped to rise to great heights, but being aware that power can also let you fall so that you learn to get up again, to be humble and above all to feel.

Safe haven

BDSM, being a slave, has brought me a great deal of joy and peace, has taught me to know myself well and to take care of myself, whether a dominant encourages that or it comes from within... the drive to be able to see from the sidelines how your dominant can move comfortably because he knows his slave takes care of him and is just as much a safe haven for him as he is for her, and that is the warmest and most comfortable feeling you can experience.

Being a slave is part of your life, in the foreground and the background. It is always there, and for me it has brought a great deal in all the years from my first introduction to this day. I have embraced the warm and nurturing side without having to give up my hard, directing other side... together they have become me... and the me of now is absolutely the improved version of the me of then.... that is what BDSM and being a slave mean to me.

slave Seerena

Source

Text & photo: Seerena