Expectations within a D/s relationship: where is the reciprocity?

“Expectations within a D/s relationship: where is the reciprocity?” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Within BDSM, people often talk about power, surrender, trust and dynamics. But one subject that gets remarkably little attention is expectations. What can you actually expect from each other within a D/s relationship? And perhaps even more importantly: what does it say about a dynamic when those expectations get out of balance? It may sound like a simple question. But in practice it turns out to be a subject many people struggle with. Especially when fantasy and reality collide.

The fantasy of constant availability

Many people who come into contact with BDSM for the first time have an image that is strongly coloured by fantasy, porn or other people's stories. In that fantasy, the Dominant is always ready. The Mistress is always powerful, always in control, always available. She always feels like playing, always has the energy to lead a session, always has the mental space to be fully present. But anyone who truly lives in the world of BDSM knows this is an illusion.

A Dominant is, first and foremost, simply a human being. A human being with a body that can get tired. With days when the energy just isn't there. With moments when life simply demands too much. Work, worries, emotions, health, lack of sleep. These are all factors that affect how someone feels. Dominance doesn't mean you are above being human. And yet it happens regularly that a sub unconsciously sees it differently.

When the sub sits beside you, disappointed

Many Dominants recognise the moment. You feel that you're tired. Perhaps you've had a busy week. Perhaps your head is full. Perhaps your body simply doesn't feel strong enough to carry a session. So you say honestly: not today. And then something interesting happens (or actually, "sad" might be a better description).

Instead of understanding, disappointment appears. The sub sags a little. Goes quiet. Maybe even sulks a bit. Or says he'll just come back another time. At first glance that may seem harmless. But underneath that reaction there is often something much bigger hidden. Namely, a fundamental lack of reciprocity.

The misconception about servitude

Many subs see themselves as someone who is "in service". Someone who is there to obey, to serve and to please. That sounds beautiful and romantic. But in practice that servitude sometimes turns out to be remarkably one-sided. Because what happens when the Dominant needs something? What happens when the Mistress is tired? When she could use some support? When she perhaps just wants to sit with a cup of tea and someone beside her who expects nothing?

Those are the moments when true servitude becomes visible. Not when someone is kneeling during a session.
But when someone gets up to take care of you. A sub who truly understands what D/s means doesn't only think about what he receives. He also looks at what he can give. And that goes much further than just a game.

The core of a D/s dynamic

A real D/s relationship is not about entertainment. It isn't a service being delivered. Not a stage play that has to be performed again and again. Not an arrangement in which one party expects the other to play a role. It is a form of relationship. And as in any relationship, reciprocity plays a central role in it.

Trust, care, attention and respect move in both directions. Only the form in which this happens may differ. A sub cannot dominate his Dominant, but he can take care of her. He can support her. He can be present. What's more: within a healthy dynamic, that comes with it naturally.

What does disappointment say about motivation?

When a sub becomes disappointed because there is no play, that in itself isn't even the biggest problem. Disappointment is human. The question is what someone then does with that disappointment.

Does he stay present? Does he show understanding? Does he ask whether there is something he can do? Or does he withdraw because it "isn't delivering what he had hoped for right now"? That last response often says something painful about the motivation behind the dynamic. Because then it turns out the relationship is in fact about getting an experience. About tension. About stimulation. Not about the person opposite him.

The wafer-thin line of ego

In situations like these, you can see just how wafer-thin some dynamics actually are. As long as the Dominant delivers, everything stays upright. As soon as she can't for a moment, the structure collapses. And that is an important test. Because real submission isn't visible when everything goes as planned. Real submission shows itself at the moments when the Dominant is vulnerable. When she is tired, needs support, or when the roles shift for a while from play to humanity.

A sub who then drops out actually shows that he was never truly present in the relationship itself. He was only present in the fantasy.

Why this has nothing to do with BDSM

A Lady friend of mine recently told me she had experienced exactly this. She said she was physically unable to play for a while. Tired, exhausted, simply no energy. Her sub's response was: "I'm going to play with someone else for a bit." And afterwards: “I'll come back when you feel better.”

No question about how she was doing. No offer to help. And certainly not a moment of care. My advice was short and clear:

Dump him. Immediately.

Don't hesitate. Because this has nothing to do with BDSM. BDSM is about trust. About connection, mutual responsibility and the awareness that you carry a dynamic together. When someone only shows up when he can get something, but disappears as soon as the other person needs something, then there is no D/s relationship.

Then it is consumption.

The value of real reciprocity

A sub who truly understands what his role means experiences a completely different motivation. For him, the Dominant is not a source of entertainment, but a person he feels responsible for. Someone he wants to support. Someone whose wellbeing matters. That can express itself in countless ways.

Bringing a cup of tea.
Making a massage plan because he knows how much pain you're in.
Cooking a healthy meal for an evening.
Listening when the Dominant wants to talk.
Simply being present without expectations.

In moments like these, a dynamic actually grows. Because trust deepens when people also see each other outside the play.

BDSM as a form of relationship, not a service

Perhaps that is one of the most important lessons for people involved in BDSM. A D/s relationship is not a service model. It is not a situation in which the Dominant always has to deliver and the sub only has to receive. It is a form of relationship in which power, care, trust and responsibility come together. And that also means a Dominant must have room to be human. To be tired. To have no energy. Or sometimes just not to have to do anything.

A sub who understands that will never sit beside you sulking. He will sit down beside you because he wants to be there. And that is exactly where real submission begins.

Source

Text & photography: Mrs Moriah