How to handle boundary-crossing behaviour from clients as a Pro Domme

"How to handle boundary-crossing behaviour from clients as a Pro Domme" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

In the world of BDSM, everything revolves around mutual respect, trust and clear communication. As a Pro Domme, you are the leader, the guide and the protector of these principles. But what do you do when a client ignores these basic rules? How do you deal with disrespectful, boundary-crossing or rude behaviour, both before and during a session?

It all begins with the first introduction. Whether it happens by e-mail, by phone or through a message on a platform, pay close attention to how someone presents themselves. Rude remarks, inappropriate requests or a lack of respect are red flags. Don't be afraid to set boundaries straight away or to cut the conversation short. Your time and energy are valuable. And in most cases, all those red flags promise little good in advance anyway. So it is better to end the contact right from the start.

Make clear agreements in advance

Before a session takes place, it is important to make clear agreements. Discuss what is and isn't allowed, set boundaries and explain the consequences of breaking them. This prevents misunderstandings and creates an environment that is as safe as possible for both parties. Also make it very clear what the consequences are if someone doesn't stick to the agreements made. For example, that the session will be stopped immediately at that moment (without a refund).

Clothes on and out the door. They know that beforehand. That is precisely what creates calm and clarity. No noise, no unclear expectations.

During the session: be alert and assertive

Despite all the agreements made in advance, situations can still arise during a session in which a sub crosses boundaries. Whether it concerns unwanted touching or verbal remarks, it is important to step in immediately. Make it clear that this behaviour is unacceptable and, if necessary, end the session. Your safety and comfort always come first. It is therefore extremely important that you react immediately and are as clear as possible about what is and isn't acceptable. Unclear signals create noise and therefore room for personal interpretation.

Because setting boundaries is one thing, but enforcing them is at least as important. Once you have set a boundary, be consistent in enforcing it. This not only shows your professionalism, but also ensures that clients know where they stand.

Learn from experience and keep growing

Every experience, positive or negative, offers a chance to learn and grow. Reflect on situations in which boundaries were crossed and think about how you can prevent or better handle similar situations in future. You are not alone in this. Reach out to other professionals in the BDSM community, share experiences and learn from each other. Together you are stronger and can support each other in dealing with challenging situations.

Whatever you do, whoever you play with, however experienced or self-assured you feel, your own safety always comes first. Always. It is so tempting, out of a desire to serve, curiosity or even ego, to go just a little further than you actually want to. But believe me: that one time you ignore your gut feeling may be exactly the time it goes wrong. And I'm not only talking about physical safety, but also about your peace of mind, your privacy, your boundaries.

You are the foundation of the session. If you wobble, everything falters. And no sub, however pleading or supposedly 'experienced', is worth putting yourself at risk for. So yes, you are allowed to be strict, to say no and to back out. Even last minute. That is not weakness, that is strength and leadership.

It says more about the other person...

Something else worth realising: boundary-crossing behaviour often says more about the other person than about you. Some people simply struggle with the idea that they have to pay for something they see as a 'desire' or a 'natural need'. They feel uncomfortable, perhaps ashamed, or get frustrated because they can't simply push their fantasy all the way through. And then you get the full load.

In behaviour, in words, in small manipulative pinpricks. But believe me: that is not down to you. You are not too expensive, too strict, too difficult or too little. So don't take it personally when someone is difficult or disrespectful.

A problem shared is a problem halved

And if you do ever go through something unpleasant - because however well you guard your boundaries, it can always happen - don't walk around with it on your own. Talk about it. Not with just anyone, but with someone who knows what this work involves. Someone who understands how intense, vulnerable and sometimes downright unpleasant it can be.

A colleague, a mentor, a fellow Pro Domme friend you trust, and if you don't know anyone, you can always send me a message. It's a relief. It helps you process things, to get your feelings in order again, and sometimes also just to hear: “It wasn't down to you.” Because we tend to forget that now and then, don't we? We are strong, independent and in control… and at the same time also human. So give yourself that space. A good Mistress looks after not only her subs, but also herself.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Image: 123rf.com