Inward or outward-focused BDSM: how do you see your role as a Dominant?

“Inward or outward-focused BDSM: how do you see your role as a Dominant?“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Sometimes the most interesting insights lie not in what you do, but in why you do it. In what drives you, moves you or what you want to achieve. Especially within BDSM, where so much revolves around experience, desires and the dynamic between people, it is illuminating to pause and consider the direction of your intention. Are you mainly inward-focused or outward-focused? Or perhaps a bit of both?

Let me be honest right away: this is not a fixed theory or model that various books have been written about. It is more of a realisation of my own, or call it a form of observation of all the experiences I have been allowed to have myself and around me. I see a soft separation into two ways - of course there are thousands of ways, but here I mean two main tracks - in which you can approach BDSM. Namely inward-focused or outward-focused BDSM.

Chances are you haven't heard of this approach before, because it was born recently in the silence of the night, in my head, as a realisation after a conversation with my private sub the day before. He had put a proposition to me which, simplified and summarised, comes down to: giving or taking? My answer was: "Absolutely giving".

What do I mean by being inward-focused within BDSM?

If you experience BDSM in an inward-focused way, your attention is directed mainly inwards. To what it brings you. Think of the pleasure you feel in power. The sexual tension that builds when you see someone tremble under your gaze. The joy of control. The excitement of inflicting pain. Or enjoying admiration and devotion.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this approach. It is even very human. It also says nothing about whether focusing on the other person would be wrong. We all have desires. Dominants too. And those desires are allowed to exist. It is not selfish to let yourself be nourished by your play. On the contrary: if something warms you up, chances are your sub can go along with it and feel safe under your leadership.

Inward-focused BDSM is often intense and sensual. It feeds you from within. You play to fulfil your own desires, and that can be enormously pure - as long as it stays attuned.

And what, then, is being outward-focused?

Being outward-focused means you primarily focus on the other person. On what your sub needs. On how you can help him or her grow, relax, heal, let go. Not because it turns you on so much yourself, but because it feels right. Because you feel you hold something valuable for the other person. And because you want to give it.

You are then not concerned with your own climax or your own kick. That may well come in one way or another - but it is more of a by-product than a goal. The real satisfaction lies in the effect you see. The calm in someone's eyes. The tears that flow after a session. The gratitude that doesn't need to be spoken because you feel it.

Outward-focused BDSM is gentle, devoted, yet powerful. It asks you to set yourself aside for a moment to attune completely. And that can be incredibly fulfilling - on a different level than sexual pleasure. It gives energy, purpose and meaning, but above all it gives a great deal of beautiful energy.

Why I think many Dommes recognise themselves in this

Many Dominant women do not recognise themselves in the image of the horny, always power-hungry Mistress. They enjoy the play, absolutely. But they are often touched most deeply when they get to mean something to the other person, or are able to. When they help their sub come home to themselves. When they are allowed to carry someone's trust.

That doesn't mean we have no sadistic streaks, or don't enjoy control. Of course we do. But the core often lies elsewhere. In connection and/or surrender that goes beyond the physical. And that calls for a different approach than the classic image of the inward-focused Dominant who simply indulges their desires.

One is not better than the other

Let that be clear. This is not a plea for one or against the other. Both forms are legitimate, valuable and may exist side by side. What matters is awareness. Knowing what drives you. Why you do what you do. And how that affects the other person. Because once you have clarity on that, you can attune much more precisely. Communicate better and shape experiences that feel right, for you and for the sub.

What happens when it goes wrong?

One of the biggest risks arises when inward-focused Dominants put their own desires above those of the sub without being open about it. That can lead to crossing boundaries, abuse of power or a feeling of emptiness in the sub. But things can go wrong with outward-focused Dominants too - for example when you completely efface yourself and lose your whole sense of self in caring for the other person.

So both sides have pitfalls. Inward-focused can become selfish if you no longer have an eye for consent. Outward-focused can become exhausting if you forget to nourish yourself. Maintaining balance - for yourself - is of great importance.

Can you switch between being inward- and outward-focused?

Absolutely. And what's more: it happens more often than you think. Sometimes an experience begins with a focus on the other person - you feel what is needed, attune, build up. And halfway through you suddenly feel yourself warming up, you get into a flow and feel that it nourishes you too. And voilà: inward and outward come together.

It is not a black-and-white scenario. It is an interplay. And it is often precisely that dynamic that makes BDSM so rich. The fact that you never know exactly where you will land, but that it always feels right somewhere, as long as you keep tuning in properly.

A plea for more openness

I think it is important to discuss subjects like this more often. Because it gives room to different experiences. And because it shows that BDSM is much more than whips and masks. It is a world full of nuance, full of emotion, full of intention. And if we keep exploring that, we keep growing. As a Dominant, as a sub, as a human being. Because in the end, that may well be the most beautiful thing about BDSM: that it connects us not only to each other, but also to ourselves.

BDSM is never finished. And that is precisely what makes it so alive.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
© image: 123rf.com