Crossed your limits after all? You're not the only one

"Crossed your limits after all? You're not the only one" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

You make clear agreements, you tune everything in carefully, you discuss no-gos and a clear safeword. Crystal clear, and it seems nothing can go wrong. The limits are clear to everyone involved. During the experience everything feels good. In fact: it's intense, exciting and captivating. But then... a few hours later. Or perhaps after a day or a week...

...you become restless. Something is nagging at you, perhaps at first still without any real shape. But it keeps you occupied and it becomes a little clearer all the time. The feeling that you did something that was actually just a bit too much. That one moment you lingered in just a bit too long. That action that was perhaps technically 'safe', but touched something emotionally that you hadn't expected. Perhaps you even feel a little empty.

It can happen. And it happens more often than people dare to say. Because during BDSM experiences we are used to relying mainly on the experience in the moment. And in that moment one factor plays the leading role: arousal. But arousal is a poor adviser when it comes to deep emotional attunement.

Arousal as a distorting lens

Horniness (let's call a spade a spade) is fantastic. It makes you more receptive, bolder, more playful. But it can also influence your perception. Things you would normally find (too) daunting or doubtful suddenly feel completely logical. Limits shift temporarily. Not because you are truly moving them, but because your internal brake is working a little less hard.

That's not a problem. It's part of sexual experience. But it is good to realise that consent in a horny moment sometimes means something different from consent in reflection. That's why it's important to leave room for that second moment: reflection. Because that is where it truly becomes clear whether it felt like a real yes not only in the moment (and/or beforehand) but also afterwards, once the arousal has gone again.

What if it didn't feel right afterwards after all?

First of all: you are not weak, unstable or ungrateful if you feel afterwards that something wasn't right. You are human. And human experience is not a closed system. Sometimes you only know afterwards what you really felt. And that's okay. Talk about it. Preferably with the person you had the experience with. Explain what you felt during the play and afterwards. What went well, what was uncomfortable and what perhaps still needs space. If that doesn't work, find someone else: a mentor, a Dom(me) you trust, an experienced sub. But don't keep it to yourself. Because what you lock away will grow, and what you speak out can heal.

The value of a debrief... and a written report

After a session (and the debrief that follows) I always ask for a report myself. Not a formal report, but a personal reflection: how did you experience it? What did it do to you? What felt good, what didn't, and what raised doubts? I often see that in such a report people still dare to admit that there was a moment that didn't quite feel right. And that's not a problem. It's precisely what makes it valuable.

It helps to look at the experience again with a bit of distance. Not in the heat of the moment, but in the calm afterwards. When all the emotions have settled again. You force yourself to go back into the feeling. And sometimes something suddenly feels different. Less right. Or more powerful than you thought. All those insights are welcome. The report doesn't only help you, but the other person too. It fills in your BDSM palette as a Dominant ever more richly, with even more beautiful colours.

And if you were the Dominant?

Even then it can happen that afterwards you think: "Hm. That didn't feel quite right." Perhaps you felt you did cross a line, perhaps you let yourself get carried away, perhaps during the report you heard something you hadn't picked up on. What matters is: dare to be honest about that too.

Dominance isn't about doing everything perfectly. It's about taking responsibility. About daring to admit that as a Dominant you also learn, feel and reflect. If you notice that something has affected you, that you regret a certain action or that you may have crossed the other person's limit after all, say so. Share it. Your strength lies not in being infallible but in your willingness to grow.

What can you do?

Be gentle with yourself
Limits are sometimes fluid. The fact that you look at things differently afterwards doesn't make you 'difficult' or 'unclear'. It makes you aware.

Recognise the emotion
Sometimes it's confusion, sometimes shame, sometimes sadness or anger. Name what you feel.

Communicate
If it feels safe, start a conversation. Preferably without accusations. Tell them what you experienced during and after the moment.

Put it on paper
Writing a report helps you get an overview. Even if you don't share it.

Learn from it
Which signals might you have missed? What can you do differently next time? Which question do you want to add to the pre-session talk from now on?

Limits are not a wall, they move with you

We often learn that limits are hard lines. Unyielding. But in reality they are more often flexible membranes. Sometimes stretchy, sometimes unexpectedly sensitive. A limit that is right today can feel too far tomorrow, and the other way round. What matters is that you give yourself the space to discover that.

BDSM is above all a dynamic in which we explore. In which we play with power, surrender, stimulation, taboos. Within that, it's not strange if you sometimes let yourself be surprised, even by yourself. Don't let that be a reason to question everything. But do let it be an invitation to listen more attentively. To your body, to your feelings and to the other person.

Growing together by looking back

Afterwards is not too late. Afterwards is instructive. It's precisely the moments when something chafes that are invitations to go deeper. Provided you dare to look at them. Provided you share them. And provided you both have the willingness to learn from it, without judgement, without blame, but with sincere curiosity.

Because that is the strength of a mature BDSM dynamic: it isn't about perfection. Perhaps it's precisely about the loving acceptance of imperfection. That you aren't judged if your limit turned out to shift, but seen. And that together you learn to play more safely, more honestly and more intensely. Again and again. And again. And...

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com