The importance of aftercare

“The importance of aftercare“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Aftercare. Indeed, the experience doesn't end at the moment a dominant stops spanking or doing whatever else they were doing. In fact, the most important part is still to come: the aftercare. That is part of it too, and it can sometimes be forgotten. As soon as the whips are neatly cleaned and back on the rack, the job seems done. Yet good aftercare is very important. You have, after all, set quite something in motion, opened gates, so to speak. You have to handle that carefully.

Incidentally, I'm talking here about an example after a tough whipping session, but good aftercare applies to every intense BDSM experience. Even if there is no welt on the skin and you have, for example, only been engaged in an intense form of humiliation, quite a lot can have been set in motion beneath the surface.

Further reading on this topic:
* Why is aftercare also important for the Dominant?
* What is subdrop?

Responsibility

BDSM is not just a matter of hitting someone with a little whip. That would be far too easy. An intense BDSM experience requires a considerable dose of responsibility and empathy. By applying pain stimuli or far-reaching mindfuck, you quite literally get inside someone. You open up blockages and release emotions. You do that within a short time and in an intense way, too. With therapy you might be working on this for weeks to reach the same result. With BDSM you can reach certain goals faster and break down walls that have been built up. That does mean, however, that good aftercare is very important. You understand that this is not a matter of: “Right then, toodle-pip, cheerio and see you next time!”

What can an aftercare process look like?

Of course, aftercare will look different for everyone. Logical, because every person is different and we all have different needs. Personally, I (almost) always take photos during a session and send them to the person afterwards via WhatsApp or e-mail. With the photos, everything can be relived once more.

Another good option is to ask the sub to write a detailed report on how he/she experienced everything. While writing, everything is relived once more and a bit of processing gets under way. Writing is always good. Is the sub not such a good writer? Then he can perhaps make an audio recording instead; talking has the same effect as writing. After all, the point is that he relives the whole experience and puts it into his own words, complemented with feeling and emotions.

Guidance

Depending on this report, you get in touch with each other and talk everything through calmly once more. Perhaps you gave him/her certain goals to work towards. In that case it is important that you ask about them and guide the sub in this. Is it all going well? Or are there certain pitfalls?

BDSM can be a tool with which you can exert certain powerful influences in each other's lives. That can be very beautiful, but of course you have to handle it carefully. Besides this aspect, there is something else you need to take into account. The subdrop. For anyone who has never heard of it, I will explain the term.

What is subdrop?

A BDSM experience like that can be enormously intense. Sometimes people look forward to it for weeks beforehand, and when the moment finally arrives, it can be a thoroughly overwhelming experience. After all, all the attention goes to the sub; he is completely in the spotlight. Whether it's with a good spanking, or crawling across the floor like a grunting little pink piglet, it is all very intense and the attention is enormous. And then the sub goes home. That might be to his wife, but it could just as well be to an empty house.

At first the adrenaline is still surging through the body and there is a considerable amount of arousal to be felt. At that moment there isn't much wrong yet, but... in the days that follow, everything fades. The production of adrenaline and endorphins has come to a halt and suddenly there is nothing left. The great empty nothing. The photos seem to lose their shine, the report has been written and sent, the first feedback has come and suddenly it is quiet.

Depressed feeling

There is a good chance that the sub may end up in a subdrop because of this. An emotionally depressed feeling. I clearly say that it can happen, not that it is a certainty, because in many cases it doesn't happen. It is, however, something a Dominant needs to take into account.

That empty feeling is difficult to prevent beforehand, but it is important that the dominant does something about it. That step starts with the sub voicing his feelings to the dominant. But even if he doesn't, it is still something for the dominant to keep in mind. The most important thing is to keep talking to each other. Take the time for this and keep giving the sub a dose of attention after the experience too.

BDSM is lovely and wonderful, but you have to realise that you are really ‘fucking’ with someone's mind. That can be very positive and pleasant, but it certainly has consequences. And you have to be willing to take responsibility for that.

So when you play with someone... realise that the game doesn't end when you put down the whip...

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mrs Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com