Without consent, it simply isn't BDSM

“Without consent, it simply isn't BDSM” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Definition of consent
Consent is explicit, voluntary and informed permission to take part in a sexual or kink-related act, where everyone involved says ‘yes’ at every moment and is always free to withdraw that permission again.

Without consent, it simply isn't BDSM

Consent. Permission. Agreement. Attunement. Whatever you call it, it is the lifeblood of every BDSM experience. Without consent, it simply isn't BDSM, and you might as well call it "abuse". Without consent there is only a power imbalance with no foundation, and that is not BDSM. That is boundary violation.

Yet it remains a subject surrounded by a lot of misunderstanding. People still think consent is something you quickly ‘arrange’ before you begin. As if it were a contract you sign and then get to tear up. Or a simple yes/no tick box for what is and isn't allowed. But consent is not an on/off switch. It is fluid, tied to the moment and therefore changeable; it can develop, evolve or even degrade, and so it never determines 'always'.

Good conversations beforehand (and that means more than ticking off a sub list) create precisely the atmosphere in which you dare to sink down safely. Consent makes it intense, intimate and truly real, with room for development and growth.

Consent is not permission. It is connection.

The biggest misunderstanding about consent is that it is all about permission. That you tell each other what is allowed, say ‘yes’ to it, and that this settles everything. But that is too thin. Consent is not permission, it is connection. Real connection. That is why filling in a sub list is not enough. True consent arises when you are both willing to listen, to ask questions and to attune to each other.

It asks more of a Dominant than self-confidence or mastery of techniques. It asks for empathy and alertness. The skill of seeing what someone isn't saying. Of hearing the silence. And of stopping when you see that something no longer feels right. And of a sub it asks even more: that you learn to feel where your limit lies, that you learn to speak up and that you dare to go back on earlier words.

Good BDSM is constantly in motion. And consent moves with it.

Not a mood killer, but a mood builder

Sometimes I hear people say that discussing limits beforehand “takes the tension out of the game”. Or that there's no time for it, or that they just find it a hassle. But consent is not a mood killer, it is precisely the (nourishing) soil in which atmosphere can grow. A conversation about desires, fantasies and limits can be arousing in itself. It shows that you take someone seriously. And let's be honest: what is more intense than someone who also understands you?

The biggest mood killer is not a conversation beforehand. The biggest mood killer is someone who crosses your limit.

Consent is not a contract for the rest of the evening

Sometimes what is and isn't allowed has been discussed at length beforehand. Everything seems clear. And yet it happens that someone feels overwhelmed during play, or notices that something hits harder than expected. Or the other way around: that room opens up for more... Consent also means you are allowed to change your mind. That you are not tied to what you said earlier. That you may say no after a yes. Or indeed say yes to something you previously found too daunting.

This applies to both sides. The Dominant may also say that something doesn't feel right right now. That a limit suddenly shifts out of insight or simply because it doesn't feel right. That is why consent is not only something for ‘beforehand’. It lives throughout the entire play. In how you look, how you feel, how you touch, how you stop. And in sometimes asking: “Are you still doing alright?”. Feel the other person's energy, watch their body, their eyes; even their breathing can say a lot. Listen to everything that isn't said in words and respond to it.

Manipulation is not a form of surrender

The line between surrender and manipulation is sometimes razor-thin. Especially for people who are new, or who are keen to prove themselves. Who hope they are “good enough” for that one Dominant Lady, so they stop listening to their own feelings. It becomes even trickier when that (so-called) Dominant Lady doesn't take enough time to really listen to the other person and to give space for that. When empty slogans are shouted right from the start, such as "Loser, you do what I want. I decide."

And you can shout this perfectly well as a Dominant, but only if the foundation is there. In a scene I absolutely decide everything that happens (without needing to bellow it as if I have to convince myself), but I do that because there is trust on both sides (yes, including from me towards the sub). And that trust can only exist through the many conversations we have beforehand. But during a scene too I keep checking in, and my focus is entirely on the other person.

The subtle power of soft signals

Not everyone shouts stop or uses a safe word. Not everyone knows in the moment what exactly is going on. And that is why consent is also a matter of sensing. A body doesn't lie. Breathing can change, muscles can tense. Someone suddenly goes quiet, turns pale or suddenly starts to sweat. These are signals you only pick up if you have the right focus. If you don't slip into a role, but stay connected.

Good BDSM requires you to learn to read as a Dominant. That you don't focus only on what you are doing yourself, but on what it does to the other person. Consent is not only in the word ‘yes’. It is in the whole energy of what is going on between you. And sometimes that means: stopping. Pausing for a moment. Checking in. Rewriting something you had already planned in your head.

That is not failure. That is leadership.

Consent doesn't end at the climax

A session doesn't stop when the play is over. Consent extends to afterwards too. In the aftercare. In revisiting what happened. In naming what touched you, what was lovely or what was difficult. Sometimes emotions only come after the play. Tears, confusion, doubt, euphoria. Everything is allowed to be there. But only if it can be shared without judgement. Without fear that you “weren't tough enough” or “are a burden to the other”.

Aftercare is not an optional appendix. It is the place where consent becomes visible again: in how people listen and respond. Where safety is reinforced, even afterwards.

Want to read more about safe, conscious BDSM experiences? Then also take a look at:

• What is BDSM?

• The importance of aftercare

• Why BDSM is actually loving

Frequently asked questions

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Image: 123rf.com