Is BDSM abuse?

“Is BDSM abuse?“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

When I Google “abuse” (Dutch: “mishandeling”), I read the following explanation on Wikipedia: Abuse is the infliction of injury, pain or other harm directed against a person's body.

A few examples are given after that. But in the primary explanation, as I quote it here, I miss something fundamental. Namely the malicious intent of one person and the aversion of the other. Abuse is about a situation without consensus (agreement/approval). And that is exactly where the difference with BDSM lies. BDSM is about a voluntary exchange of power on a consensual basis, within boundaries set in advance and based on a shared goal. This goal can be fun, pleasure or satisfaction, but also, for example, mental growth or relaxation.

Pure love

When I look at myself, BDSM is for me an expression of pure love, an ultimate form of intimacy and a superlative of "merging". When I am angry with my sub (simply because we are all human and every relationship has its arguments, a D/s relationship included) there is not a fibre in my body that thinks about hitting him at that moment. During an argument or a row I feel anger and not love. Not that my love has disappeared, but at that moment my anger takes up such a prominent place that there is no room for love for a while.

I don't hit out of anger, and if I did, it would simply fall under the heading of “abuse”. So that includes hitting my sub at such a moment. After all, for this specific situation there is no consensus, because there is no shared goal. There is at most (if there even is one) a one-sided goal, namely to physically hurt him as a translation of my mental powerlessness. Hitting out of helplessness does not seem a desirable situation to me.

You can compare it with sex. If you and your partner are having a blazing row, the chance that you feel like having sex with each other at that moment is minimal. Afterwards perhaps, and then it can even be very passionate. But well, to start arguing with each other for that reason...

Voluntariness, respect and trust

BDSM is based on voluntariness, respect and trust, from both sides, where equality is of great importance, because only with recognition and acknowledgement of the other and yourself can an atmosphere arise in which both can experience satisfaction. One cannot do without the other. In abuse there is no question of this form of equality and interdependence.

Print out a sub list (pdf)
Example of a BDSM consent contract (pdf)

Boundaries

One of the most important aspects of a good BDSM experience is good, open and honest communication between the (play) partners. Before, during and after the play. If you can't be open and honest, you are also unable to indicate your boundaries properly. You then place the responsibility - completely unjustly - with the other person, while you always remain responsible for your own body and mind. If you are not honest with yourself or with the other person and the Dominant has acted within the (too far) boundaries you gave, it can at most be a case of self-punishment or self-harm, but not of abuse.

No free pass

In all honesty, it must be added that the dominant also has a responsibility to keep following every form of communication from his sub - so the non-verbal too - properly. If he does something the sub has indicated as "desired", but did it for the wrong motives or ultimately doesn't find it desirable after all, there is a good chance that there are enough verbal and/or non-verbal signals he should have acted on. His boundaries set in advance are not a free pass to just keep on pushing when you see that it isn't being received well. The line between one and the other is therefore quite fragile. That is why it is so important not to use alcohol and/or drugs within the BDSM experience (so no poppers either). After all, it is impossible to stay sharp and anticipate in the right way then.

Correct interpretation

It is a fairly thin beam that you balance on together, because a sub can scream very loudly during play for you to stop, without actually meaning it at all, doing so more to be able to handle the pain (my slave swears a fair bit). And that is precisely why it is so important to keep talking to each other. Before, during and after the play. That way you get to know each other better and better and learn to interpret signals in the right way. And even then... not only does every person react differently, every moment can also be different. For example, because someone is low (or on the contrary sky high) in their energy, stressed, ill or tired, it all influences how much someone can take at that moment. Of course this applies just as much to the Dominant. His energy also influences the intensity of the experience.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mrs Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com