Not everything is what it seems: reality vs fantasy

"Not everything is what it seems: reality vs fantasy" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Dare to colour in your own reality - beyond clichés in BDSM

We live in a world where images seem to say everything. A world in which a photo, a video, a scene provokes a judgement within a few seconds. Especially when it comes to BDSM. Then it's quick: “Oh, so that's what BDSM is.” A Domme in leather, a man on his knees, tormented by a whip. Images that tease, arouse, amaze, or perhaps even frighten. But images that rarely do justice to what really happens. The photos you see pass by are merely a snapshot, and a specific part of a scene at that. You don't see what happened beside the photo, before it or after it.

And the same goes for videos. They are scripted, staged, completely detached from reality. Intended only to entertain you, arouse you or generate money. What you see is a scene. It looks like surrender, but you don't know the agreements. You see action, but not the vulnerability. Perhaps you see a slave suffering hardship, but you don't see the conversations before the filming, in which clear agreements were made, or the cosy coffee break just before the scene was shot. Nothing is what it seems. And that is where many misunderstandings arise. Because people look, but don't truly see.

In a bird's nest

I know it better than anyone. I share a lot of photos of my BDSM experiences online. And no, my photos aren't fake, but they can certainly give a distorted picture. If you see a photo, for example, in which my sub is floating blissfully from a suspension hook in the cling film above the bed, you have no idea what acrobatics he had to go through to get to that moment. How he had to hang from the bars beforehand in a bird's nest, so that I could wrap the cling film around him.

How hard this was for him (and me)... but in that photo you see him dangling very chilled. And then I hear people exclaim: "Oh, I want that too!" And then I just think, "yes, I understand, but the road to get there, you might not want that. Because it was hard."

BDSM porn doesn't lie. It stays silent.

BDSM porn videos often show you the extreme: whips, commands, bondage, extreme scenarios.
But what don't you see?

• The conversations beforehand, in which agreements are made.

• The moment a safeword is used, because that isn't so hot for the viewer to witness.

• The salty release afterwards, in the form of tears.

• The building of trust.

• And nobody mentions aftercare.

BDSM on screen is not BDSM in experience. It can be arousing to watch. Of course. But it is fiction. Fetish. Fable. It is entertainment and not a real experience. Anyone who learns BDSM by watching videos mainly learns what it is not.

Unrealistic desires

I recently heard someone talk about the ultimate wish for TPE, in which he - completely discarded - would get a permanent spot in my cellar. My first reaction was immediate: "I don't do adoption." Why would I want some kind of "pet" in my cellar? I don't even have a cellar, by the way. I find TPE an exciting thought, but I keep both feet on the ground, and I do my dreaming at night. So it will always be an adapted form, in which someone can also simply carry out his work. Well, then a little less "Total". I actually prefer to speak of an RPE, which stands for a "Realistic Power Exchange"...

So let's agree: I torment you with love, I humiliate you to the bone, then lock you in my cage... and afterwards you simply go back to your own home and are free to keep fantasising that you're still tied up in my - non-existent - cellar.

Fantasy is allowed to tease

And perhaps that is exactly what it's about. We don't need to make reality smaller to let fantasy be big. Fantasy may exist, may tease, may inspire. But the true beauty of BDSM lies in what happens between two people, out of sight, in the trust, in the eye contact, in the moment when someone truly dares to show themselves. There, where no camera is present. Where no audience is watching. Where it's real. When we honour that reality, we don't need to make copies of videos or pictures.

Then we create something that goes much deeper: our own experience. Our own truth. Our own form of surrender. Dare to choose it. Dare to live it. That is where BDSM comes to life.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com