Notallmen, indeed NOT all men!

“Notallmen, indeed NOT all men!” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

The cry of “Not all men” (or #notallmen, as it's now going around) keeps coming back in discussions about sexual violence and abuse. It has almost become forbidden to add any nuance. Instead, entire groups of people are written off. “White men are the problem.” As if skin colour and gender are enough to condemn someone. What I find perhaps even more painful: some men gleefully join in themselves. As if self-hatred has become some kind of virtue. I don't understand that. Yes, there are bad white men. Just as there are bad black or brown men. But the majority of men? There is absolutely nothing wrong with them.

The norm is being shifted

And yet the norm is being shifted. Making a joke is almost no longer allowed, because what if it goes down badly? Women are portrayed as pitiful, weak creatures who need protection, who can't stand up for themselves. But I am not weak. I am not a victim. And I am perfectly capable of standing up for myself.

I love men. I always have. And despite a few seriously painful experiences, I always will. Because yes, I know from experience what rape, assault or unwanted touching feels like. I utterly condemn it and I will never downplay it. But one thing is certain: that doesn't make half of humanity suddenly bad.

Women aren't saints either

Something else I think is important to point out: women are not saints. I have had just as many bad experiences with women who couldn't keep their hands to themselves. Yet it never occurs to me to write off the whole group of women because of it. So why would we do that with men?

Let's stay honest. Abuse, violence and boundary violations are serious problems. But you don't solve them by lumping everyone together. This isn't about all men. It's about those who behave badly. And those are the people we need to call out, correct and, where necessary, condemn. But let's keep the nuance, because without nuance you lose sight of the truth.

I refuse to go along with the demonising of men. I don't want to portray them as perpetrators in advance. I want to keep seeing who they are: individuals. With beautiful, strong, loving, funny and yes, sometimes dark sides too. Just like every human being.

Is nuance the trigger?

What perhaps surprises me most (or even irritates me) is that it isn't even only about “notallmen”. It's nuance that no longer seems to have any right to exist these days. As soon as someone dares to say “Not everyone is like that”, all hell breaks loose. As if you're automatically looking for an excuse, as if you're downplaying the whole problem. When it's exactly the opposite: without nuance, every conversation loses its value. But no - nuance has become the trigger. People react so aggressively to it that there is hardly any room left for an adult conversation. And that makes the discussion more toxic than it needs to be.

What can we do ourselves?

What can we do ourselves? Start small. Don't react straight from emotion, but ask follow-up questions. See whether you truly understand the other person, even if you disagree with them. You don't have to approve of every viewpoint, but you can show respect for the fact that someone has arrived at a different view through their own experiences.

If we invest in that, we make the space bigger. Then we don't have to be swept along by polarisation or by playing groups off against each other. Then we create the freedom ourselves to be grey – with all the colours in between. And perhaps that is the most powerful form of resistance against any kind of tunnel vision.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com