The human side of BDSM: why your slave is more than a slave

"The human side of BDSM: why your slave is more than a slave" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

While the game of power and surrender often plays out at a cross or on a bondage table, it is the emotional layer beneath that gives the whole thing its soul. That deep, human side which, in my eyes, forms the core of BDSM. Because yes, you can insult someone, tie them up, make them cry, make them squirm, beg and sigh. And all of that with a big smile. Because it has a purpose and because that person becomes intensely happy from it.

But as soon as the experience ends, the masks come off and the locks are opened again, the human being is always there once more. The man or woman behind the slave, slavegirl or sub. The whole person, in all their vulnerability and complexity. And that is something we as Dominants must never lose sight of. Sadly, reality shows that this happens all too often. Because it's not only subs who can lose themselves in Fantasyland; some Dominants can also get stuck "in the fairy tale".

More than a role: the human being beneath the sub

It's tempting. Especially as a beginning Dom(me). You've just discovered how powerful your voice sounds, how natural it feels to take control, to hear 'yes Master/Mistress' and to see that body at your feet. It can even be addictive. But danger lurks around the corner when you forget that you are dealing with a human being. A human being who chose to surrender to you. Not to be paraded as a stage prop in your ego trip.

Some subs love being humiliated. Hearing that they're worthless. That they're nothing but air, or even worse: dirt. And that's allowed. It can even be intensely healing, provided it is guided well. But the game stops somewhere. And outside the scene, or outside the game, there has to be room for humanity. For being seen as a whole.

Because a sub is not just a slave. A sub is also a father, a son, an employee or an employer. A person with baggage. Or with a thriving social life. Someone with dreams, fears and hopes. And as long as you ignore that side, you are not playing with someone, you are playing with someone.

The pitfall of the theatre play

It's painful to see, but it happens more often than you think. Especially with young or inexperienced Dominas who want to do it 'flawlessly'. Who think that being dominant means you always have to be hard, distant or emotionless. That the other person has to do exactly what you say and otherwise above all "keep their slave mouth shut". And so they're not allowed, or able, to indicate where their real needs lie outside the game.
And that's exactly where it goes wrong. They get stuck in the play. They carry the sub's 'loser' role over into WhatsApp messages, into contact outside the actual experience, so into the whole of their social contact. And in doing so they lose something essential: genuine connection.

BDSM is not an act. Or rather: it is a conscious, shared experience with a clear on and off switch. An experience in which you may get lost, as long as you know where the exit is. And once you walk out of it, there should be mutual respect. Space, warmth and humanity. Because without that, you quickly lose touch with reality. And believe me, you can feel it. In the distance, in the lack of feedback and in the fact that subs drop out or pull away. Not because you weren't good at the dominant game, but because you fell short at being human.

A sub wants to be seen – as a whole

There are subs who go to the same Mistress faithfully for years. Not because she inflicts the most pain, or knows best how to tie a rope. But because there is a bond. A real connection. A feeling of safety and recognition. Of mutual growth.

My subs (for example) love to groan under the merciless, hard strokes of the whip or to passively endure an intense CBT experience, in which their cock is nothing more than a pincushion. But afterwards they have a cup of coffee with me and talk about their lives, both the ups and the downs. That is BDSM in its purest form, also paying attention to the human being beneath the role. And yes, this goes for both sides, because I am also more than just that Pro Domme.

Responsibility as a Dominant

When you enter into a session, especially as a professional, you take on an enormous responsibility. Not only for the other person's body, but also for their heart. And that means you have to be alert. That you listen and that you also ask: "how are you really doing?". And that you learn to recognise the signs of exhaustion, burnout or emotional overload. Because yes, that happens too.

Precisely by allowing that human side in, the game becomes even more powerful. A sub who feels truly seen surrenders more deeply. Trusts more intensely and dares to go further. Because he knows he will land safely afterwards. With you, in your hands and with your attention.

You can only really hit hard if you can be gentle

That is perhaps my favourite sentence. Because there is so much truth in it. A Mistress who only hits without connection, or even without a purpose, takes the soul out of the experience. Technically it may be correct, but the real intensity is missing. And the sub feels that. And in the end there is little left but an empty stage. Beautiful costumes, no substance.

I am convinced that a good Dominant does not switch off their humanity. They know when to be gentle, when to comfort, and when to strike with a steely gaze. They balance, read and feel. And that is exactly what makes someone wildly attractive. Because it's real.

Boundaries outside the game

Some Dom(me)s tend to carry the control (or behaviour) they have during a session over to outside it. By making demands of the sub outside the agreed setting, or by interfering in their life in ways that can be unhealthy. And although some RPE or TPE relationships are partly based on this, it is important that this always happens by mutual agreement, with clear arrangements, and above all: with mutual respect.

The human side also means that you take responsibility for your behaviour. Because a Dominant is not a God or Goddess. He or she is human, just like the sub.

The power of BDSM lies not in the rigidity of the division of roles, but in the flexibility of the contact. You can be dominant, but also warm. You can be a sub, but also strong. Reciprocity means that you grant each other something. Not because you have to, but because it flows. Because there is trust and because you grow together, both in the game and in life.

And for all the subs reading this…

Know that you are more than your role. More than your desire. That you may cry, laugh, doubt, talk. And you may say so when your Dominant does something that affects you, even outside the game. Make your voice heard, ask for what you need and choose someone who sees your whole person, so also your human side and not just your submissive side.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
© image: 123rf.com