What if your sub suddenly loses his trust in you?

“What if your sub suddenly loses his trust in you?” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Trust is the foundation of every BDSM dynamic. Without trust there is no surrender, no tension, no depth. But what if that foundation suddenly cracks? What if you notice your sub looking at you differently, doubting, or perhaps even withdrawing… and you feel that the trust is no longer what it was? And in this case I am not talking about an obvious, acute breach of trust, such as violating discretion (exposure), ignoring someone's limits or other clear causes. In this blog I am talking about the creeping rift, the rift that arises from 'the famous last straw'…

How does a breach of trust like this arise?

Trust rarely breaks overnight. Usually it is the sum of small things. Perhaps there was a moment of miscommunication. Perhaps you went just a little further than the other thought they could handle. Perhaps your sub did not feel heard when he doubted, but swallowed it to avoid breaking the mood. And sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes BDSM triggers old patterns or traumas that are unrelated to the dynamic you share. It can be an unexpected emotion, a memory, a thought that suddenly lingers.

I have also heard someone say: "Maybe my BDSM journey has come to an end." That can be permanent or temporary, but in any case it could be a reason for the moment. Whatever it is, the result is the same: the basis of trust suddenly feels thinner. And you feel that in everything.

What does it do to a Dominant?

As a Dominant you may have thought you were doing everything right, you thought you were listening, you thought there was room. And suddenly you are standing there with perhaps postponed decisions that you did not yet want to make, because you wanted to give the other room to have doubts, without consequences. That does not change the fact that as a Dominant you may now have all sorts of questions, such as: "Did I miss something? Shouldn't I have stopped sooner? Should I have made that decision myself? Did I wait too long? Should I have thought more of the well-known saying soft healers make stinking wounds?"

It can also provoke frustration. Because perhaps, to your mind, nothing serious happened. You acted with good intentions, yet the other feels it differently. And especially in BDSM, where so much revolves around nuance, that can gnaw at your self-confidence.

What does it do to a sub?

For a sub, a breach of trust can feel even heavier. Surrender is vulnerable. It takes courage to open yourself up like that. When something then happens that does not feel right, it can hit straight to the heart. Sometimes it is something small - a look, a word, an unexpected touch - but in that state of surrender it goes in deeper. And if there is then no room to talk about it, it grows. What was doubt at first becomes tension. What was tension becomes distance.

How do you deal with this?

If you notice something, it is important to pause and perhaps give it space. Do not try to repair things immediately by doing even more or by trying harder to convince. What your sub needs right now is not action, but presence. Talk to each other, honestly and openly, without becoming defensive. Listen, without defending yourself. It is not about who is right, it is about how it felt. And feelings are not negotiable.

Restoring trust takes time

You build trust slowly, but it can break in a fraction of a second. Restoring it is possible, but it takes time and patience. You cannot force someone to trust you again. You can only show, consistently, that you are willing to listen, to change and to make room for what is needed. There is a reason for the saying: "Trust arrives on foot and leaves on horseback."

Sometimes that means taking a step back in your dynamic. And perhaps having more conversations. Sometimes it also means you need self-reflection: what do you need to regain trust in your role? And yes, sometimes it means the dynamic as it was will not return. And that hurts. But that, too, is honesty.

The difference between a hairline crack and a break

Not every loss of trust means the end of your dynamic. Sometimes it is a wake-up call. A moment to realign and grow closer together. But sometimes it is a sign that something fundamental is not right, and there can be a thousand and one reasons for that.

Dare to be honest. Dare to feel whether you are still on the same path.

BDSM is about power and surrender, but never without responsibility. Trust cannot be taken for granted. It is a process you nurture together, again and again. And if it breaks? Then that is painful, but also a chance to show who you really are. Because a good Dominant is not someone who never makes mistakes. He or she is someone who takes responsibility, even when it is difficult.

Extra note

This blog is mainly about the sub who loses trust in the Dominant. But let us not forget that trust is not only something a Dominant guards. A Dominant can lose trust too. Through unclarity, dishonesty, or because a sub creates expectations that are never spoken aloud. Trust is something you carry together. It is not the task of one role, but a reciprocal process.

If either of you feels the foundation wobbling, a sub is just as welcome to take initiative. Openness, honesty and self-reflection belong to both sides of the dynamic. Because without reciprocity there is no real connection, however beautiful the division of roles may seem.

Want to read more about trust and safety in BDSM?

• Dominance versus vulnerability – not opposites, but partners

• The importance of trust in BDSM

• Mental surrender within BDSM – more than just play

• How do you talk to your partner about BDSM?

• The intense BDSM power of the ZZZ experience

Frequently asked questions

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com