How do you start a conversation with your partner about BDSM?

“How do you start a conversation with your partner about BDSM?” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

You have a kinky mind, but your partner doesn't know (yet). How do you start a conversation with your partner, how do you come clean? I get emailed this question quite regularly. Because it really is a threshold you have to get over. For some people it's a relatively low threshold, and for others it's a huge step. It's a real shame that this is still such a dilemma, because why shouldn't everyone simply be allowed to "be fully themselves?"

Every now and then I speak to some older subs - and I'm talking about 70 plus - who have longed for something all their lives, but never dared to take that one step. Years of missing out, years of longing, and often still struggling at this age to take that one step. Fortunately this doesn't apply to everyone, and there are also subs who, even at 60 or 70 plus, dare to take that step.

Making it discussable

Of course, the best thing is to make this discussable with your partner much earlier. And fortunately this is happening more and more often. Sometimes I see these couples again at the BDSM workshops, and I can give them that last bit of confidence or take away the hesitation needed to have years of fun with - and from - each other. It's also no small thing to "suddenly start hitting your partner". That's not something we get taught as standard in our upbringing. On the other hand, not everything is about hitting either. Mental torture (humiliation) can be just as difficult with a partner you love and respect on the other hand.

Some hesitation

So it's not strange that some BDSM enthusiasts feel a certain hesitation about bringing up this subject. That can be because you find it hard to talk about your desires, perhaps find it difficult to simply accept them, don't want to burden the other person with it, shame, you name it. For everyone the reason can be different. But how do you actually start that conversation with your partner? How do you take that first step?

Suggestions for starting a conversation with your partner

This can be done in different ways. You know your partner best - if all is well - and you are best placed to determine the right way (and the right moment). I can only offer a few suggestions that you could try or that might give you ideas.

Choose the right moment

Timing is everything. Don't bring up BDSM while your partner is engrossed in the latest episode of their favourite series. Choose a relaxed moment when you are both open to a deeper conversation. Perhaps during an evening walk or a quiet dinner at home. The goal is to create a setting in which you both feel comfortable.

Be open and honest

Start the conversation by sharing your feelings and curiosity. You could say: "I've been reading a bit lately about different forms of intimacy, such as BDSM, and I'm curious what you think about it." This shows that you are open to a dialogue and curious about your partner's opinion.

Listen to your partner

After you have introduced the subject, give your partner room to respond. Perhaps they have questions, doubts or even similar interests. It is important to listen without judgement and to show understanding for their perspective. Remember that this conversation is about mutual respect.

Don't expect the other person to be jumping for joy at your revelation straight away. Sometimes it will be received with an open mind, but that will certainly not always be the case. And that's not strange at all, of course. How would you feel if your partner suddenly casually told you they had kept something from you for years?

Set boundaries and expectations

If you decide to explore BDSM further, discuss your boundaries and expectations clearly. What are your comfort zones? Are there certain aspects of BDSM that you want to try or specifically want to avoid? It is important to make agreements beforehand to - as far as possible - guarantee a safe and enjoyable experience for both of you. This doesn't mean these agreements have to be forever. As you go on this journey together, your shared blueprint can develop further. That's why it's important to always keep talking to each other.

Start slowly and safely

Don't dive straight into the deep end. Begin with light forms of BDSM, such as using a blindfold or soft touches, and build up from there. This allows you to discover what works and what doesn't, without feeling overwhelmed or confronted.

And let's be honest, if you've kept it quiet for so many years, why be in such a hurry now?

Communicate continuously

Keep the lines of communication open, both during and after your experiences. Discuss what you enjoyed, what could be better and how you feel. This ongoing dialogue strengthens not only your sexual relationship, but also your emotional bond.

Be patient and understanding

Introducing BDSM into your relationship is a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself and your partner while you explore this new dimension together. Respect each other's pace and be willing to make adjustments based on each other's comfort and boundaries. Above all, let the slowest person set the pace.

Seek professional guidance if needed

If it is difficult for you to have an open and honest conversation with each other, consider consulting a BDSM coach. A professional can guide you through the process from introduction to acceptance.

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah