TPE and dependency: is this not harmful?

“TPE and dependency: is this not harmful?“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

I recently posted an item on one of my social media channels about TPE or CIS (Complete Irrevocable Submission). I no longer remember exactly what I posted, but one of the responses has stayed with me. Someone asked whether TPE is not harmful to your health. A good question. First of all, I want to make clear that I am not a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist, and even if I were, as far as I know there has never been any scientific research into the harm TPE might cause. So probably nobody can really give a good answer to it. That said, I would first like to explain what TPE actually is.

What is TPE?

TPE is an abbreviation that stands for “Total Power Exchange”. Loosely translated into Dutch: “complete control or shift of power”. With TPE you hand over control. In the case of a D/s relationship, this means that the sub hands over complete control to his Dominant. The word ‘Total’ therefore really implies everything. That can mean that the Dominant decides what time the sub goes to bed, what he eats, what he wears, how he spends his day, et cetera. Of course there will always be people who follow such an extreme form. I have genuinely heard a Dom tell his sub what time he had to go to bed that evening, but I have no idea whether he is that strict about it every evening. It is quite a lot, and I don't only mean for the sub. For the Dominant too, this is a fairly intensive form of relationship. Determining everything is very time-consuming; it is practically a full-time job. Is that even desirable?

Exceptions

As I just said, for some people perhaps it is, but those are exceptions. In most relationships that say they have a TPE relationship, “Total” is usually not all that “Total” and it is limited to the most important things. For example, rules around a healthy lifestyle, chastity control, a say in the choice of clothing, management of the finances and setting clear guidelines on what is and is not desirable. The exchange of power is generally determined by the Dominant, but only with a sub who also wants this himself.

Deepening the role

Sometimes a (form of) TPE slowly creeps into a D/s relationship. The Dominant already decides a great deal in it, and that role can be deepened further and further. When I look, for example, at the D/s relationship I have with my slave, there is certainly a deepening and sharpening in it.

I will give an example; in this case it is about my slave's clothing. When I got to know her, she dressed in a rather masculine way. Her clothes did not flatter her at all and did not emphasise her beautiful feminine shape at all. It seemed as if she was not allowed to be attractive. The first agreement I made with her in this area was that she had to show me every item of clothing she wanted to buy. She was only allowed to buy it after my approval. Without my approval, no more clothes could be bought.

At a later point this was extended with clothing advice, and slowly her style became more feminine. After a few months the next step was taken, namely that she had to start wearing skirts and dresses more often. She found that quite difficult at first, because it made her feel more vulnerable. As if, in a pretty dress, she could not stand up to the men at work. By now she wears a dress or skirt to work at least 2 to 3 days a week, and when she is with me at the weekends, she has to wear dresses or skirts all weekend.

But why?

Now you may wonder why this is so important, why she can't simply wear trousers if she wants to. That is a good question too, and one I am happy to answer. Because I certainly don't do this just for the sake of it; I have a reason for it. When I got to know her, my slave was a bit of a grey mouse, and she covered up her insecurity with semi-tough behaviour and a masculine look. Through our D/s she came to stand more and more in her own power, and she no longer needs the “substitute toughness” at all. She is simply allowed to be beautiful and to shine in her self-confidence.

That happened in small steps, but she has certainly travelled a wonderful road. So she did not have to wear those skirts and dresses because I like it so much; I wanted her to do it for herself, to discover that things could be different. That femininity has nothing to do with vulnerability. And sometimes you take those steps more easily with someone at your side who guides you in it. The skirts and dresses were merely a tool to (re)discover the strength within herself.

She has since grown enormously in this; beautiful to see. She enjoys the attention and the compliments, and she notices that she is even taken more seriously at work now (because we do, after all, live in a society where appearance matters).

Letting her shine

Is the fact that I initially made these choices for her bad? I don't think so. Especially not because I see how she has grown and how much she ultimately enjoys it. Sometimes you need someone who makes you bite the bullet, someone who looks a little further than the surface and sees the true core. Someone who can and will let you shine. However contradictory it may sound, this TPE has actually made her more independent, because she has come to stand much more in her own power.

This is just one example of just one aspect, but TPE, or a form of TPE, can of course be practised on all kinds of fronts, also in a positive way, precisely to let the other person grow.

Can it do harm?

So can it never do harm? Of course it can. That is true of everything; you can also take it too far and remove every form of responsibility from the other person. That is never good. It starts with the intention with which you do things. Are you doing something for yourself? Or are you doing it to let the other person rise above themselves, to let them grow? That is exactly the sore point. If you do it for yourself, for example by making the other person so dependent on you that he no longer has the freedom to make fundamental choices (such as staying or leaving), then TPE can certainly be harmful. But if you handle it in a good, serious and selfless way, beautiful things can arise from TPE.

Mistress Moriah

Additional information

TPE and Fantasyland
TPE (Total Power Exchange) versus RPE (Realistic Power Exchange)
The Gorean movement within BDSM
TPE or Total Power Exchange
BDSM poetry: TPE
What does 24/7 mean?
Cuckold and/or TPE contract
Erotic Power Exchange or EPE

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com