We don’t need a saviour

“We don’t need a saviour” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

More and more often I see a new kind of moral crusader rising up on FetLife (mostly there, but sometimes on other social media channels too) – men who present themselves as defenders of the ‘strong, independent woman’. On paper they seem like our allies, but look more closely and you see that their words push us back under an old form of male guidance. They say they stand up for our strength, but they can rarely bear a real, substantive conversation. As soon as you answer back in a respectful but critical way, a block often follows. No dialogue, but a digital wall. And that is exactly where it starts to chafe: not in their words, but in their need to keep control of the conversation – even over what freedom should mean for a woman.

More room in society

It struck me even more lately because of a series of posts that followed one another. Today I once again read a post like that from a submissive man (I won’t mention names, because it is not my intention to shame anyone) who “stood up” for dominant women. He felt we should be given more room in society, that our strength was not understood, and that we were wrongly portrayed as cold or intimidating. His words were gentle, his tone friendly. And yet I felt resistance. Not because I disagreed with what he said – because yes, there is little room for powerful women – but because it sounded so paternalistic. As if we still need someone to speak on our behalf.

Later that day I read another post like it, this time from a Dominant man. He wrote a long piece about how women are supposedly unhappy because of their “independence” and “equality”, but all I read was a man who wanted to pin women down again in his own frame – and then calls that “leadership”. He confused calm with submission and structure with control. What he called “nature” was in fact just the old hierarchy repackaged in a leather jacket. Women don’t need a man to determine where they flourish. We need room to discover that for ourselves.

Well meant, but wrongly aimed

It seems sympathetic when a man says: “I think dominant women deserve more recognition.” Yet there is something underneath that chafes. Those sentences imply that without his support we are heard less. That he gives us a platform. But a woman who lives her strength doesn’t need a platform from a man – she builds her own.

The intention is often good. But well meant is not always well done. Because by speaking on behalf of women, you take the words out of their mouths. And that is precisely what so many of us have been fighting against all our lives: someone else deciding what we feel, mean or need.

The paradox of protection

When a man says he “wants to protect us” or “wants to stand up for us”, it sounds noble. But it immediately places us in a different position: that of the one who needs protection. As if we are fragile, as if our strength is something that can only exist under male approval.

In essence, that is a subtle form of the same old pattern: the man as saviour, the woman as vulnerable creature. And yes, even within BDSM, where roles seem reversed, that mechanism sometimes creeps back in unnoticed. As if the Dominant woman may only exist by the grace of male validation. Whereas our strength lies precisely in self-determination. In the fact that we need no one to legitimise us.

Feminism and Femdom: not dependence, but ownership

There is an interesting difference between standing up for someone and giving someone room. Feminism and Femdom share one fundamental value: ownership. That doesn’t mean we exclude men, but that we don’t want them to guide us as a guardian.

The dominant woman is not an exception in need of protection, but a mirror of what female strength is in essence: direct, feeling, leading and free. That doesn’t fit the old picture of the caring, obedient woman. And that makes some men uneasy. Because what happens when women stop asking for approval?

Ally or protector?

There is a big difference between an ally and a protector.

An ally stands beside you.
A protector stands in front of you.

The first offers room, the second takes up room. An ally asks: “What do you need?” A protector says: “I know what’s good for you.” And that is exactly where the problem lies.

Men who present themselves as “protectors” of women often mean well, but they take away our chance to lead the conversation ourselves. They make us the subject instead of a conversation partner. And that is not emancipation, it is a repetition of the old pattern – in a modern jacket.

We don’t need to be rescued

I don’t need anyone to say on my behalf that I deserve space. I’ll take that space myself. And I know dozens, hundreds of women who do the same. Dominance is not something we have to be “allowed”, it is something we are. Every time a man says: “There is too little room for dominant women,” I feel the urge to answer: “No, there is too little room for men who can bear that.” Because that is where the real change lies. Not in adapting ourselves, but in rewriting what people dare to see as “feminine”.

Incidentally, there is nothing wrong with men who listen. Quite the opposite. That is exactly what being an ally asks: listening instead of filling in. Leaving room instead of lecturing. Silence as respect, not as control. The world has enough speakers. What we need are men who don’t try to improve our words, but who dare to examine their own assumptions. Men who understand that “standing up for women” doesn’t mean they take the stage, but that they hand over the microphone for a moment.

They seem to admire strong women, as long as that strength doesn’t become uncomfortable. And that really says it all. So block away, if that feels safer. I would rather stay true to my voice than make myself small to keep up the appearance of equality.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Image: 123rf.com