The inequality within our equality

"The inequality within our equality" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

The definition of equality
Equality within BDSM refers to the fundamental mutual respect and voluntary consent between Dominant and submissive, despite the unequally distributed power play. The dynamic may be asymmetrical, but the worth of both people remains undiminished and equal.

There are some topics you'd rather avoid at a party. Religion. Politics. And gender equality. Because before you know it, you're stuck in an uncomfortable conversation full of opinions, assumptions and indignation. Yet I am going to talk about it here. Not because I want to convince people. But because I see what is shifting. Or rather: sliding back. For years, we in the Netherlands have been proud of our so-called hard-won equality between men and women. But if you look a little more closely, you see that this equality is increasingly under pressure.

On freedom and self-determination

And no, I'm not talking about equal salaries, although that is still an issue too. I'm talking about freedom. Self-determination. The space to make your own choices, as a woman, without subtle or explicit disapproval.

I'm not a feminist in the traditional sense of the word. I don't need to march into a square with bare breasts, and I don't hate men either (quite the opposite, I love them). I also don't believe that women are more than men. I simply believe that we are different. And that it is precisely in those differences that the real strength lies.

I'm not a feminist. I'm a Femdom lady.

That is a sentence I often have to explain. Because many people think Femdom is about women who want to humiliate men or 'play the boss'. But that is a superficial image.

For me, Femdom is a way of life. An attitude to life in which feminine power is recognised, celebrated and given shape. Not as a reaction to men, but as an expression of what is already within us. I believe in inequality within equality. In D/s relationships that means: one leads, the other follows, but this happens on the basis of mutual respect.

Outside the BDSM world, that principle could work just as beautifully. Because it isn't about who shouts the loudest, but who truly dares to listen. About who carries responsibility, and who dares to surrender, in full consent. For me, Femdom is not a reversed power structure. It is a recognition of natural strength. And women, let's be honest, are often so much more robust emotionally than they dare to admit themselves.

Women are mentally stronger. Men physically.

Biologically, men have on average more muscle mass. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not a threat, it's simply a fact. The problem lies in the interpretation. Strong body = strong being. Whereas mental strength is at least as important and in the long run often far more decisive. Women endure periods, childbirth, hormonal fluctuations and the invisible burden of caring and mental load. They are used to carrying things. Often without visibly complaining. That is strength.

And yet physical strength is often valued more highly than mental or emotional resilience. Why, actually? Because it's more visible? Because it fits an image of heroism and action? Meanwhile, the real endurance, mental, psychological, emotional, is often carried by women. But you're not supposed to talk about that too much. Then you're difficult. Or a nag. Or 'a dominant and/or strong woman', and suddenly that isn't meant as a compliment. Funny, isn't it?

The declining freedom of women

Anyone who thinks women in the Netherlands are completely free isn't looking properly. Yes, we may vote. Study. Work. Voice our opinions. But there are more and more small caveats attached. You may say what you want, but keep it within the lines. Dress freely, but don't expect to be taken seriously. Say 'no', but do it nicely.

What worries me is that these restrictions are often packaged as 'safety'. Or as 'politeness'. Or as a 'realistic view of the world'. That women had better not sit alone on the train. Or go to a party on their own, walk down the street in the evening, or state their boundaries too emphatically, because 'you never know'.

And of course: safety is important. But should women always have to adapt to the threat? Why do we teach women to hold themselves back, instead of making men responsible for their behaviour?

The man who finds peace with a strong woman

In my world I speak to a lot of men. Submissive men. But also 'ordinary' men who happen to start talking to me. And do you know what I notice? More and more of them find peace with a woman who holds the reins. Not because they can't do anything themselves, but precisely because they enjoy being able to let go.

When a woman knows what she wants, communicates her boundaries clearly, offers structure and also takes care, relaxation emerges. No power struggle, but balance. With or without a whip, it doesn't matter. It's about the energy. The surrender. The recognition of each other's place. And that place is different for everyone.

A man doesn't have to be a patriarch. He is allowed to follow too. He is allowed to be vulnerable too. And he may feel supported in that, instead of laughed at or despised. Just as a woman may speak her mind without immediately being called a 'bitch'.

Historically speaking: centuries of disadvantage

For centuries, women were not allowed to vote, own property or pursue higher education. Even the medical world was based on men; well into the twentieth century, medicines were tested only on male bodies. You can barely imagine it now.

And to this day, a woman cannot become pope. Why not, actually? Is her spiritual connection worth less? Her wisdom less pure? This inequality runs deep in our systems. Not always visible, but certainly tangible. In language, in habits and in expectations. And as long as we don't keep questioning it critically, we remain stuck in a form of pseudo-equality.

The power of difference

For me, equality is not: everything being the same. For me, equality is: recognising and valuing each other's differences. That men are physically stronger is no excuse for dominance. And that women are mentally more resilient is no reason to keep pushing the caring onto them.

Let's not see each other's strength as a threat, but as a complement. Let's acknowledge that it is sometimes wonderful when a woman leads. Not as a fight, but as a matter of course. And that a man may relax into it, without losing his masculinity.

Seeing and being seen

We are only truly equal when we dare to see ourselves and the other for who they are. Not as a derivative of gender, but as a whole human being. I believe in strong women. In women who take up space. Who know what they are worth. And who are not afraid of their power, even when it expresses itself in dominance.

And I believe in men who acknowledge that. Who don't feel smaller beside a woman who dares to be big. That is the world I live for. And that is the dynamic I see again within Femdom: unequal in role, but equal in worth.

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Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com