On vaginismus, a subject so often covered in shame

"On vaginismus, a subject so often covered in shame" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Definition of vaginismus
Vaginismus is an involuntary, painful contraction of the muscles around the vagina, which makes penetration difficult or impossible. It is not unwillingness, but a reflex of the body that often stems from tension, fear or previous experiences.

There are women who talk freely and openly about sexuality. Who make love effortlessly, experiment, receive. Who glide right in and open up. But there are also women for whom it goes differently. Women for whom penetration is painful. Or simply doesn't work. Who would like to open their vagina, but whose body refuses. Who want so badly to relax, but whose pelvis does something else. Vaginismus. A subject that is talked about far too little.

I am not a doctor or a medical expert, but as a professional BDSM coach I speak to many women. And that is why I know better than anyone how important it is that we dare to tell these stories too.

What is vaginismus?

Vaginismus is a pelvic floor condition in which the muscles around the vagina involuntarily cramp up when something wants to enter - a finger, a tampon, a penis, a dildo. It is not a matter of "not wanting to". It is a reflex. The body saying "no" - sometimes without the mind having any say in it. There is a difference between vaginismus and pain during penetration (dyspareunia), but they can also occur together. Vaginismus is often completely beyond your control. You can't simply 'think it away'. And that makes it intensely frustrating for many women.

How common is it?

Research is scarce, partly because of the silence surrounding this subject. But various international estimates suggest that around 1 in 10 women will experience vaginismus at some point in her life. For some it is temporary. For some it lasts for years. And for many women it remains unspoken.

Vaginismus is not limited to the bedroom. It touches your self-image. Your womanhood. Your sense of your body. It can affect your relationship, your sense of intimacy, your self-worth. Some women avoid sexual situations. Others hurt themselves "so as not to disappoint the other person". There is shame, loneliness and sometimes anger and sadness too. Because you feel that you are missing something. Or worse: that you are not good enough.

So let me say this, with all the love I have in me: You are good just as you are. You are not less. You are not broken. You are a complete being. With or without penetration.

What can you do about it?

There are options. No magic formula and no quick fix either. But there is help.

Pelvic floor physiotherapy

A specialised pelvic physiotherapist teaches you to relax your muscles consciously. Often in combination with breathing, posture and body awareness. This can be enormously illuminating and healing.

Sexological help

A sexologist can explore with you (and possibly your partner) what is going on. Fear, control, experiences from the past - everything is welcome on the table. Without judgement.

Building up with dilators

There are graduated sets of soft dilators - from small to larger - with which you can learn to open your body at home, step by step. Starting from becoming familiar with your own pelvic area.

Mindfulness and bodywork

Sometimes the solution lies in learning to live in your body again. Through dance, breathwork, tantra, yoga or massage. Not to reach a goal, but to make contact again.

EMDR or trauma therapy

When vaginismus is linked to sexual trauma or negative experiences, specialised therapy can help to release the inner tension.

Aids and alternatives

Vaginismus does not mean the end of your sexuality. Quite the opposite. It can invite you to redefine sexuality. To separate pleasure from penetration. To be intimate in a thousand other ways.

Massage. Oral sex. Masturbating together. Erotic writing. Slow touch. There are also lubricants, relaxing creams or warming oils that can help. Some women discover that playing with power - as within BDSM - actually helps to release tension. Because there is room to not have to. Because there, paradoxically, they find control again.

And the mental side?

Vaginismus is not only about muscles. It is also about thoughts. About beliefs. About what you have been taught about sex, about womanhood, about desire. Many women with vaginismus say: "I don't feel normal." But what is normal? Who decides that?

Sexuality is not a script you MUST follow. Not a checklist you have to tick off. It is a voyage of discovery. And sometimes your route is different from someone else's. And that is allowed. Shame is perhaps the biggest obstacle. Not your body, but the idea that you are failing. So let's do something about that together. Let's make it something we can talk about. Let's make it normal that penetration is not an obligation.

Is it also allowed to just be there?

Yes. A thousand times yes.

Some women choose not to 'do' anything about their vaginismus. Because they are at peace with it. Because they value other forms of intimacy. Because they shape their lives differently. Because they feel: this is who I am. And that is just as legitimate as any treatment path. It doesn't have to go away. You get to choose. You may follow yourself in this. And within BDSM you have all the space to shape that in your own way.

Give love...

To all the women who recognise themselves in this story - know that you are not alone. And to everyone who lives with someone who is dealing with this - give space. No pressure or advice. Just space. And love.

Because touch does not begin with the body.
It begins with being seen.
And every human being deserves that.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com