Men seek an illusion with a Pro Domme

"Men seek an illusion with a Pro Domme" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

I recently received an email from a listener (O) asking for a podcast on the subject: "Men seek an illusion with a Pro Domme". An interesting claim, but is it true? There is of course a clear discrepancy between a Pro Domme's financial dependence and giving the ultimate expression to true dominance and/or sadism. A Pro Domme is supposed to be able to do whatever she wants - after all, she is the one in control - and the sub has to do nothing less than endure. That is at least what the 18-plus fairy tale wants us to believe. But is it true that men only say in words that they "really want to experience it", or are those words in themselves already the beginning of an illusion?

A small disclaimer first: Because BDSM is full of apparent contradictions, it is sometimes difficult to keep an explanation cohesive. I will still try to make this a clear and, above all, coherent text.

A different reality

Within the commercial circuit, reality is often a little different, but actually outside it too. Because if, as a Pro Domme, you do exactly what you feel like and completely ignore the sub's wishes, you will end up with very few clients. Well, and when that is your bread and butter, you soon change your tune and you do take the client's wishes into account, provided they fall more or less within your own limits. Drizzled with an "I decide sauce" for the illusion.

Incidentally, this applies just as much within a relationship where money plays no role. You don't want to lose your partner either. So there too, dominance stays within the limits of what is acceptable, taking into account your partner's desires and possibilities.

And what about the subs?

But doesn't this apply just as much the other way around? Over the course of my life I have met many subs who had given themselves the title "slave" and who talked big about everything they would do for me. In reality they were the biggest scaredy-cats ever who - if they showed up at all, which was often not the case - were already begging for mercy at the first stroke of a flogger. I now know that the loudest shouters are the biggest fakers, for whom fantasy really has to stay fantasy.

So that possible illusion cuts both ways. Because as a Dominant you have no use for such a whiner either. If someone truly doesn't want it, there is no consent, and without consent there is no BDSM; if you carry on as a Dominant anyway, it is simply abuse.

This category of "loud whiners" often includes the subs who shout very loudly that they want to experience it all "for real", but in their case that is mainly meant financially. What they are actually saying is that they don't want to pay for it. As a Dominant, you are better off taking that "for real" with a pinch of salt.

Fragile reality

A D/s relationship is at all times a fragile dependency. Because too much of the one is just as unsatisfying as too much or too little of the other. On both sides there must be a margin in which you can move reasonably freely, and it is damn nice when you are both happy with what is possible within that margin. However narrow the path you have to balance on together may be.

In O's email he makes the following claim: "Successful Pro Dommes are actually often submissive themselves, because men don't actually want a dominant, but the illusion of being dominated." I don't believe all Pro Dommes are submissive, but as a Domme (and I'm leaving out the Pro for a moment, because you find the dependency factor not only in the commercial circuit but just as much within a relationship) it is hugely important that there is also an empathetic, loving and warm side. However, giving in to the balance of your whole "being" makes you balanced, not submissive.

And whether all men only want the illusion of dominating, I wonder. I don't believe my sub/partner would choose a compliant, meek type. He loves physically and mentally dominant women, otherwise he would never have stuck around with me. But there will certainly be men who consciously choose a kind of "occasional dominance" and are happy to have a wife at home who waits on them hand and foot.

Dominance versus bitchy

Some people confuse dominance with being bitchy. Those are of course two completely different traits. I am naturally dominant and I know very well what I want. And although I am fine with a great many things, I stay firm when I have something in mind. Within my relationship, that shows itself for example in:

"What time shall we leave? Oh, you want to at 10.00? Okay, but we're leaving at 8.00 for such and such a reason..."

My sub/partner is perfectly fine with this, he laughs about it. But if I snapped at him in a bitchy way all day, he would have run for the hills years ago. And rightly so. My voice is decisive, but that can be done with a smile too. It is important that my partner stands quite firmly in his own shoes to be able to live with me, because I will simply blow you over. Just like that. A doormat is therefore not for me. I need someone beside me who stands at least as firmly in his shoes as I do.

But that doesn't mean I don't take him into account. Quite the opposite. Of course I take him into account on all kinds of fronts. That seems very logical to me within a relationship. Why would I - for example - torture him physically when he would much rather be tortured mentally? For that I have other subs, who get more pleasure from physical torture. But is "taking someone into account" the same as "illusion"? My dominance is certainly not an illusion, but I don't need to spread it around unrestrained as if I have something to prove.

Fake world

Sometimes I hear the Ladies in my workshop say: "but isn't that how it's supposed to be?" It is what the fake world wants us to believe, that there is a script you have to stick to. Nonsense, of course. A script, or rules imposed by others, by definition means fake for you! BDSM or Femdom is not a stage play and it is certainly not a uniform sausage or "one size fits all." It is tailor-made, both from the giver, the receiver and from the sum of the two together. And that outcome is different for everyone. Dare to be, dare to give in to it, dare to anticipate what suits you/the two of you. Regardless of all those others.

On social media you see one big circus. BDSM is seen as an easy way to make money and they all copy each other. From pole dancer to Pro Domme within a day, it's possible. But understanding the deeper layers through which you can truly get inside someone's mind is a different kettle of fish. The one is limited to the illusion and for a great many subs that is apparently enough. But not everyone finds that satisfying. They prefer to choose the descent into the deeper layers, mental growth and a pure symbiosis.

The one, however, has nothing at all to do with the other. They are separate. Chow mein noodles and spaghetti are both strands of pasta, but the taste sensation is completely different. The same applies here.

But how do you know when something is real?

So is it only real if you don't pay for it? Nonsense. Paid sessions can be just as real and unpaid ones can be fake. There are plenty of women who "dominate for their partner". Is that bad? No, not at all, as long as you don't go beyond your own limits. There is nothing wrong with giving someone something he longs for. Is it an illusion then? If both feel happy with it, doesn't that automatically turn the illusion into their reality? Because who determines the authenticity of an experience? Surely that is the people involved themselves? Whether that is with a Pro or your own partner. As long as you both enjoy it, that's fine.

Unfortunately there is no "certificate of authenticity" for a BDSM experience, nor an ISO standard or quality control. It is what you make of it and what it does to you. And...

if you experience it as real, it is real. Full stop.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com