Set your boundaries, because trying to please everyone can make you sick

“Set your boundaries, because people-pleasing makes you sick” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

It is a human trait to want to please “the other person.” This is mainly due to the fact that we want to be accepted. We want to feel loved and appreciated. Sometimes we take this so far that it comes at the expense of our own health. Perhaps you’re immediately thinking of the sub who wants to please the dominant and, as a result, crosses their boundaries. And that’s certainly a good example, because this is something that happens quite often. Both in private situations and – for example – within the escort industry. “I’ll just let it happen for now; it’ll be over soon…” However, this isn’t limited to the sub. The dominant can just as easily cross their own boundaries in an effort to please.

Reasons why we might want to please others

• You don’t want to disappoint the other person (partner, client, dominant)
• You don’t want to disappoint the escort agency
• Maybe you don’t even want to disappoint yourself
• Shame
• Overconfidence (whether or not combined with drugs/alcohol)
• Low self-esteem
• Not knowing your own boundaries well
• Thinking that’s how it’s supposed to be or thinking it’s expected of you
• Not properly assessing certain things beforehand
• Inexperience

Of course, this is just a selection of the reasons why someone might cross their boundaries.

Not just the sub, but the Dominant as well

However, the desire to please is not exclusive to the sub. A Dominant can just as easily cross their boundaries. After all, the term “Service Dom” didn’t come about for no reason. The reasons mentioned above therefore apply to both the sub and the Dom. Pleasing is not specifically a sub’s risk or a Dom’s risk; it is primarily a human trait. Not just in the realm of BDSM, but in our entire lives. However, it is never a good idea to please if it means crossing your own boundaries in the process.

In several blogs I’ve written over time on the subject of BDSM, I always try to emphasize the importance of guarding your boundaries—both for the sub and the Dom. If you cross your boundaries to please the other person, you damage something within yourself. Not just physically, but especially mentally. And that can never be worth it for someone else.

Know your boundaries

To be able to guard your boundaries, it is first and foremost necessary to know your boundaries. Where are yours? What are your absolute hard no-gos that no one should ever cross? Do you know them? If not, then it’s high time to give that some serious thought. Especially if you’re involved in BDSM. Because in BDSM, everything revolves around boundaries, safety, and consent.

In addition to the absolute no-gos, there are often some softer boundaries. Boundaries that may be less clear-cut, but that need to be just as clear to you. Because these are often things you might be afraid of or (still) inexperienced with. So they are elements of play that must be handled with care. It’s helpful to be aware of this about yourself, so you can also let the other person know.

The pitfalls of excessive people-pleasing

The constant pursuit of pleasing others can lead to a host of problems. First, it can undermine your mental health. When you continually ignore your own needs and desires in favor of others, you may experience feelings of emptiness, frustration, and even depression. This emotional toll takes its toll when you lose yourself in the process of pleasing others, often without even realizing it.

The Impact on Physical Health

Not only your mental health, but also your physical health can suffer from excessive people-pleasing. Stress is a common consequence of constantly trying to meet others’ expectations. This stress can lead to sleep problems, headaches, and even more serious conditions such as heart disease. It is therefore important to set boundaries and be able to say “no” for the sake of your own health.

The importance of setting boundaries

Setting boundaries is necessary to find a healthy balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. Learning to recognize your own limits and communicating them to others is an important step in reducing the tendency to please. This requires courage and self-awareness, but the reward is a more authentic life in which you respect not only others, but above all yourself.

The power of saying “no”

Saying “no” allows you to prioritize your own health and happiness without completely ignoring the needs of others. It’s about finding a middle ground where you can still be empathetic and helpful, but not at your own expense.

Remember, you are ALWAYS responsible for your own body. You can never place this responsibility on someone else. Therefore, always be clear and honest about your boundaries, discuss them with the other person, and always uphold these boundaries.

Is pleasing others always wrong?

No, certainly not. There’s nothing wrong with considering the other person and going out of your way for them once in a while, but… as long as this doesn’t exceed your boundaries and never comes at your own expense. Life is about give and take, and it’s up to you to find a good balance. And that balance can fluctuate not only from person to person but also from moment to moment. So it’s important to always keep listening to yourself!

More information

Theme Page: The Psychological Aspects of BDSM

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Image: 123rf.com