Social exclusion of BDSM: why stigma still exists

“Social exclusion of BDSM: why stigma still exists“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Definition of social exclusion
Social exclusion is the process by which individuals or groups are knowingly or unknowingly placed outside society or cannot take full part in it. As a result, they lack access to social, economic, cultural or political opportunities, and often experience prejudice, stigma or discrimination.

Social exclusion of BDSM

It is exhausting. Sometimes even painful, sad and frustrating. No matter how much energy I put into offering honest, safe and well-founded information about BDSM, it still seems to run into a wall of prejudice. Even organisations that claim to stand for freedom, self-determination and diversity draw an invisible line as soon as BDSM comes up. Then suddenly there is silence, or a rejection, often wrapped in words that sound polite but whose undertone says more than you would like to hear.

It shows how deeply the stigma still runs. How few people really dare to look at what BDSM is, beyond the clichés and the sensationalism. Apparently it is easier to look away than to be curious. Once again it turns out that lies and prejudice are easier to accept than the truth.

Freedom for everyone… except for us?

Take organisations that use grand words like inclusion, openness and “everyone can be themselves”. Those same organisations recoil when you ask them to include BDSM in their stories about sexual diversity. There is no dialogue and there are no questions. And there is no willingness to enter into the conversation either. Only silence. Or, even worse, an insulting rejection that says nothing about you, but everything about their ignorance and fear.

And that, mind you, from people who claim to stand for freedom and equality. It says everything about the road we still have ahead of us. But I will be honest: this sometimes feels very lonely. Because I don't have a huge team behind me. Everything I write, devise, discuss and organise through my sites, I do alone. And yes, that is more than a (voluntary, unpaid) full-time job.

The reflex of discomfort

Why is BDSM such a difficult subject? Why does it make so many people uncomfortable, even when it is about a loving, safe and consensual experience? The answer is painfully simple: the unknown is unloved. When people think of BDSM, they think of porn, of pain without meaning, of abuse of power or of disturbed minds seeking each other out in dark rooms. They see the caricature. Not the reality. Not the nuance of consent, of trust or of emotional layers that can be healing.

And where discomfort rules, the reflex of exclusion wins. Because if you don't know what something is, if you don't dare to examine your own images and fears, then it is safer to say: “This doesn't suit us.”

The valuable work nobody sees

What perhaps touches me most is the time and energy I put into this. Day in, day out, I write honest, substantive blogs and books. I make BDSM accessible, human, understandable. I explain what consent really means. I show how mental safety is just as important as physical safety. I try to open the doors to a conversation that is needed.

But time and again I am confronted with that closedness. It sometimes feels like talking to a wall. As if people don't want to hear that BDSM is not the same as abuse, that it is not a superficial fetish, but for many people a way of life.

And yes, there is despair in that. Because how can I break through stigmas when even the places that claim to stand for freedom avert their gaze?

Why we must keep talking anyway

And yet… I won't give up. Because if we stay silent, the image will remain as it is now: superficial, unsafe, misunderstood. Every time I do say or write something, the line of ignorance shifts a fraction. Every person who listens and says: “Oh, I had never looked at it that way” is one more.

BDSM deserves a place in the conversation about freedom and diversity. Not because we need to convince everyone to experience it, but because everyone has the right to be themselves, without shame. Because as long as BDSM is excluded, the words freedom and equality are not complete.

It is time to recognise that power and surrender, pain and gentleness, control and vulnerability can all be part of a healthy human experience. That we don't all walk the same path, but we do share the same longing: to be seen for who we are.

The long road we still have ahead of us

Yes, the road is long. Sometimes frustratingly long. There will always be people who would rather look away. Who would rather laugh, downplay it or show you the door. But that says nothing about you, or about us. It says something about the limits of their freedom. And as long as there are people who do dare to listen, I will keep doing this work. Because real freedom is not selective. It doesn't stop at what we already understand. Real freedom begins where you dare to be curious about what lies outside your own frame.

I do this work out of love. Love for BDSM, yes, but above all for the people who are still hiding. For those who don't dare to voice their desires because they fear judgement, shame, the label ‘weird’ or ‘disturbed’. I want them to know there is a place where they are seen. I don't do this for money; it really earns me nothing. On the contrary: it costs me time and energy every day and, yes, a lot of money too. Because it is more than a full-time job.

And what can you do?

You can help by sharing links to the content on this site on social media, by making BDSM something that can be talked about, or by spreading the titles of my books so that more people gain access to depth and explanation. You can also support this project via Petje Af or by buying something in the webshop. Because only together can we break the stigma step by step.

Read more?

• Support us! With a donation you can support BDSMforyou financially!

• The many faces of experiencing pain: healing, delightful or hellish

• Without consent, it simply isn't BDSM

• BDSM is not porn, it is connection, safety and depth

Frequently asked questions

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Image: 123rf.com