The importance of tears: letting go, healing and surrender

"The importance of tears: letting go, healing and surrender" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Tears: they roll, they burn and... they cleanse. And I find them beautiful. They are pure, honest and always welcome. Not as a weakness, but as strength and healing.

Yet tears are often seen as a sign of weakness. How often do we say to a child: “Don't cry!” or “Big boys and girls don't cry.” We teach it to our children and we taught it to ourselves. A shame, because tears are not a shortcoming. They are a way out, they free up space in your body. They clear things away to make room for new - lovely - memories... At least, that is how I look at it.

And of course I don't mean the functional tears that keep our eyes moist, or reflex tears that come up when you chop an onion or smell smoke. No, I mean those beautiful emotional tears. The tears that tell you that you have been touched and that certain emotions have come loose.

Emotional tears

Emotional tears arise from intense feelings such as sadness, pain, relief or even deep joy. Research shows that these tears differ from reflex tears. Among other things, they contain stress hormones such as cortisol. So crying is not only an expression of emotion - it is also a physical way of releasing tension. How wonderfully the body is put together.

After an intense BDSM experience I regularly see them, and every time I find it a magical moment. Because in that tear there is peace and surrender. A moment when the soul gently says: I am allowed to feel. Personally, I think tears are a beautiful gift. For me, a sign that I have truly got under the other person's skin.

The ZZZ experience – when tears find a destination

In an earlier blog I wrote about the ZZZ experience - a dynamic that arises in the play between:

• Sour – the pain, the stimulus, the trigger

• Sweet – the peace and stillness

• Salt – the tear, the emotional outburst, the letting go

Tears often come loose at the end of this experience. The moment when the physical play, the mental calm and the emotional space come together in a deep, healing release. The beautiful thing is: those tears are rarely just the result of physical pain. They are charged with old sorrow, held-in tension, a lack of tenderness and/or the longing to be seen, but then truly seen. Within a safe BDSM setting - where trust, attention and consent lead the way - those feelings are suddenly allowed to be there. They are allowed to flow. At last.

And believe me... in this fleeting society, where useless pixels constantly demand our attention, there are so many people who need to be truly seen. It seems to be becoming a scarce commodity.

Tears as language – non-verbal, but loud and clear

Within BDSM, tears are a form of communication. They say what words sometimes cannot. They can tell you when something becomes too much - or exactly right. When a limit is reached - or may finally be crossed. Or when someone has been able to descend into themselves and has arrived at emotions they have not been able to feel for a long time.

Think of:

• A tear that comes after a blow, as a reflex to an intense pain stimulus.

• The tear that rolls softly when control is released.

• The tears that flow when a sub feels truly seen.

And then it is up to the Dominant to notice that moment and give space to this feeling. To understand that tears are not a malfunction, but a confirmation.

The beauty of vulnerability

Many people enter BDSM believing that they have to be ‘strong’, tough and untouchable. And yes, strength is important. Certainly within a dominant role. But true strength lies in being able to embrace vulnerability.

When a sub cries, it is not a sign of breaking. It is a sign of opening. And when you, as a Dominant, give space to those tears, a connection arises that goes beyond power - it touches on trust, recognition and healing. Tears lay the soul bare. And that is where real connection begins.

Crying as a healing ritual

In many cultures there are rituals for letting go of grief. Mourning is something that is shared. In our Western world we have often lost that. Everything has to be fast. Within BDSM, that ritual can return, consciously or unconsciously. A sub who cries during a spanking. Who loses themselves in a rope session. Who sobs at the feet of their Dominant. These are not theatrical moments, they are deep human processes which, when safely guided, can be incredibly healing.

BDSM then becomes more than a game. It becomes a journey, a therapeutic field in which body and mind move together towards peace, liberation, recognition. And that is not only super nice, but also incredibly intense.

How do you make room for tears in BDSM?

Whether you are a Dom or a sub - tears are welcome. Below are some points to bear in mind to integrate them into your experience:

Create safety
A tear only comes when someone truly feels safe.

Don't judge
Let someone cry without immediately wanting to stop it.

Stay connected
Physically or verbally: “I'm here. You're allowed.” is sometimes all that is needed. Or simply a hand on someone.

The importance of aftercare
Tears often leave a body empty. You can fill it up again with warmth, touch, rest or words.

And for the sub reading this: know that you are not ‘weak’ when you cry. You are powerful, you dare to feel. You are brave enough to let go of control, and that is exactly what BDSM is all about.

For me, tears are not a sign of weakness. They are a crown, or a confirmation that I have touched someone and given them the space to let go. And to be honest, that touches me too.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mrs Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com