True BDSM is always about reciprocity

“True BDSM is always about reciprocity” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

In a BDSM experience, there is usually a submissive and a dominant, or more broadly speaking, a giver and a receiver. One gives the other what they want. Usually, this is the knotter who ties the bunny with ropes, or the Dominant who dominates the sub, or the sadist who inflicts pain on the masochist. It doesn’t really matter what kind of experience it is, but ultimately, every good BDSM experience revolves around reciprocity. That means the giver is also allowed to take, and the receiver is also allowed to give. After all, it can never be the case that the receiver only takes… and expects the giver to only give. Then all balance is lost, and the disadvantaged party will slowly but surely lose their energy.

Sufficient Reciprocity

Unfortunately, this is quite a common issue. The sub who thinks that offering their body to a dominant is sufficient reciprocity. That’s possible, but in many cases, it isn’t. So it’s important to discuss this with each other beforehand, because what do you really expect from each other? The sub usually has a clear idea of what they’d like to experience, but what about the dominant? In the commercial scene, it’s clear – you find reciprocity in the form of payment – but what about outside of that?

To achieve reciprocity, it is important that both parties are honest. At some point, the roles will need to be reversed (in an ideal scenario). This reciprocity can manifest in all sorts of ways. It can be sexual, service-oriented, material, or mental. It just depends on what brings the giver joy. That will vary from person to person. As long as there is balance.

Talk about your expectations

This isn’t always considered. A sub might think the dominant enjoys giving just as much as the sub enjoys receiving. That may well be true in some cases, but… not in all cases. Sometimes one person does it purely to please the other. For example, out of love. So it’s important to talk about your expectations beforehand, but also to be honest about why you’re doing something.

This is especially true for BDSM within a relationship. It often happens that – after a long vanilla relationship – one of the two dares to voice his or her BDSM desires. Kudos, because that takes courage, and everyone should be able to be who they are. But… this simultaneously means that the partner is expected to do something about it. Either personally, or by giving consent for it to be outsourced. That’s quite a lot to ask. And I’m not saying you should just keep quiet to avoid putting your partner in this position, because within a relationship it’s always important to be honest, but it’s just as important to keep seeing the other person in this process.

That means, for example, showing respect and gratitude to the other person when you see that he or she is making an effort to follow you in this. That’s quite challenging, and it also demonstrates immense love.

Being whole

But just as you want to be seen in your wholeness – including your submission – the same applies to the dominant. Or, in other words, the giver. They, too, want to be seen and derive fulfillment from the experience. And that can happen in multiple areas; when those needs are met, the roles briefly reverse, and the receiver becomes the giver, and the giver becomes the receiver.

BDSM is beautiful and intense, but if you want to keep it healthy in the long term, it’s important to continue seeing each other in your entirety. So always check in with each other to see if the balance is still there and if both of you are still happy with how things are going. Look at your partner and see him or her. Not just on the outside, but especially at the core.

More information

Beautiful, intense, and loving BDSM
The erosion and destruction of BDSM
Psychological – Theme page
BDSM – Theme page

Source

Text & image: Mistress Moriah