The social exclusion of BDSM

“The social exclusion of BDSM“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

For some people BDSM is a way of life, for others a fantasy that belongs safely behind closed doors. But however loving, conscious and safe it can be, it remains a subject many people look away from. A subject most people don't dare to ask questions about. And one that organisations claiming to stand for freedom and diversity would rather not make room for.

This is not a small problem. Because behind the stigma lies a great, often silent sorrow. People who hide themselves, deny their desires and struggle in loneliness with a side of themselves that is pure and genuine. Why does that continue?

Freedom… but not for everyone

The bitter irony is that you see this stigma precisely in organisations and platforms that claim to be open to all forms of diversity. They campaign for sexual freedom, gender diversity and equality, but as soon as the word BDSM is mentioned, an uncomfortable silence falls. Or worse: a blunt rejection.

I have experienced this myself. I sent respectful emails to organisations I thought would dare to enter the conversation. Organisations that hold freedom and self-determination in high regard. I either received no reply at all (by far in most cases), or a rejection that was so needlessly harsh and lacking in nuance that I decided to file a complaint about the tone.

And that says something. It shows how deep the fear and ignorance about BDSM still run. It shows that freedom in our society is often selective. You may be yourself… but only as long as it fits the picture.

The power of stigma

Stigma works like a veil. It distorts reality and keeps prejudices in place. Many people still think BDSM is the same as abuse of power, that it is only about pain, or that it is something for 'disturbed minds'. They see the superficial images, but not the depth and intensity behind them. Not the trust, the consent, the care and the emotional layer that goes so much further than the surface.

And if you don't want to see that, you don't have to examine your own assumptions. Then you can keep saying: “That doesn't belong with us. We find that too extreme.”

The consequence? People who do feel that side of themselves hide it. Within relationships, in friendships, at work. They walk on eggshells, afraid of being judged.

What it does to people

What touches me most is what this stigma does to the people themselves. I regularly receive messages from people who have lived in silence for years. People who are ashamed of what they feel, while their desire for connection, surrender or power can give them so much depth.

They don't dare to be honest with their partner, for fear of rejection. They don't dare to ask for help when they want to discover what is going on. And in the worst cases they feel 'deviant' or 'weird', when there is nothing wrong with them at all. And yes, I try to break that conversation open. But when even the organisations that claim to stand up for freedom and equality turn their backs on you, it sometimes feels like shouting into a desert.

Why the truth doesn't want to be heard

I believe many people simply don't want to know what BDSM really is. Because if they listened, they would have to adjust their own image. And that takes effort. It takes curiosity about something that feels uncomfortable. It takes acknowledging that power and surrender can also be loving. That pain can also be healing. That freedom doesn't always fit into the neat little box we make of it in society.

And that is easier to avoid than to explore.

And yet… I keep talking

And I won't give up. I keep writing. I keep explaining. I keep creating a place where people do dare to be honest, without fear or shame. BDSM deserves a place in the conversation about freedom and diversity. Not because everyone should experience it, but because everyone has the right to be themselves, without stigma.

Because as long as BDSM stays outside the dialogue, the prejudices keep winning. And as long as those prejudices win, people keep suffering in silence over something that can actually be beautiful and connecting.

What does freedom really mean?

Perhaps this is the most important question: How far does freedom reach if you attach conditions to it?

Freedom that only applies to what you understand or recognise is not real freedom. Inclusion that stops at what is comfortable is not real inclusion. So who dares to look further, truly? Who dares to have the uncomfortable conversation?

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com