Through the eyes of a sub: What are the character traits of the ideal Dominant?

“Through the eyes of a sub: What are the character traits of the ideal Dominant?“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by sub olivier

What are the character traits of the ideal Dominant - and does he/she actually exist?

To give shape to this construct, I personally like to visualise this person. Dominants are just people and so they come in many forms. In any case, I picture her as a Lady, with plenty of (life) experience, powerful and spontaneous, with a piercing gaze, a bit like... yes indeed... It's her!

But of course this is not about outward appearance, but about the inner self. The perfect set of traits that reinforce one another and would represent the Übermensch among Dominants. I will list and explain the traits that are decisive for me in no particular order. This is my personal opinion/preference; no scientific study preceded it and no sources from the literature were consulted.

Strict yet (un)just

The ideal Dominant must be strict, a little flexible, but above all not give way too much. A clear vision and way of acting, which is not influenced by the sub, but is entirely her own way of life/working. She may well be sociable when the situation calls for it, but just as easily unjust for Her own gain.

Injustice is a great asset (within BDSM), a powerful weapon that cannot be deployed at every turn, but above all situationally. A stern look, unyielding, can reinforce this effect even further. This actually applies to all character traits; facial expression and posture reinforce the behaviour. And that can sometimes be contradictory too: injustice with a gracious smile... the mere thought of it makes me melt.

The ultimate tease

Even though BDSM is a lifestyle for many, it is also a form of play. A game that can be played in different ways, but for me the attitude of seduction and teasing (and denial) is something I can enjoy enormously. Letting yourself be carried away completely into an uncomfortable situation, in which for a moment it feels as if you are equal, but where the stimulus is also constantly present that this is not the case.

The feeling of having to conquer Her by going along with the game of seduction, but ultimately having to accept the feeling of rejection again and again. It may well have a sensual character/touch, without having to become soft-erotic. Seduction can be done with words, with looks or with behaviour, but the ultimate tease knows how to combine these three as a true trinity.

Mindfucks personally turn me on a lot too; even more, I dare say that I let mental stimuli/pain prevail over physical ones.

Communication is key

A quick tongue (pen), using the right words at the right moment, a large vocabulary - all ingredients that contribute to pleasant communication. Being able to express yourself well, to make clear what is expected or desired of the other person. It is also a bonus if the voice suits the appearance and the way of communicating. A soft (sultry) voice, with harsh words.. am I melting again already?

The capacity for humiliating and belittling can also be placed under this heading. And I don't mean humiliation through simply using insults or belittling words, but the truly refined form. Systematically choosing the right words to make the other person realise what the power dynamic is and what distance (in light years) lies between the two.

And then there is the highest form of discomfort: silencing someone else, being able to force them into silence. Speech is silver, silence is sheer torment for me!

Class with a capital C

A Lady who can move effortlessly with class in the right company. That lies partly in etiquette and behaviour, but can also lie in the way She dares to dress. And precisely in a busy Vanilla setting, being able to convey the BDSM play element with certain words or movements, without anyone noticing. But it is also a form of class to adapt to the setting, both in clothing and behaviour. Whatever the setting, She is always the radiant centre of attention.

Mentor/Coach

The gift of training both experienced and inexperienced subs requires empathy. It gives a good feeling to know that someone has enough experience to bring out the best (or worst) in you in all kinds of situations. Someone who offers support when needed (perhaps somewhat at odds with the first point of injustice, but it is allowed to chafe at times).

Personally, I attach great value to rules for posture and behaviour, obligations and/or restrictions. Sensing who needs which rules and being able to apply them, and overseeing compliance with them. And being able to continually fine-tune those rules when development calls for it.

Closing words

Does the ideal Dominant exist? I dare not answer with a wholehearted yes, because I have not met Her yet...

sub olivier

Source

Text: sub Olivier
Photography: 123rf.com