What do recent studies say about BDSM and identity?

“What do recent studies say about BDSM and identity?” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

When it comes to BDSM, many people still think of a collection of acts that you may or may not practise in the bedroom. A game. A technique. A fetish you can switch on or off depending on the situation. But if you look deeper, a very different picture emerges: for a considerable share of people, BDSM is not an occasional practice, but an essential part of who they are. Not something you do, but something that lives within you.

In recent years, science has begun to understand this better and better, as researchers have finally taken the step of no longer approaching BDSM as something deviant or dangerous, but as a human form of desire, connection, identity and sometimes even healing. In this blog I take you through recent studies that show exactly that. Because as long as the world keeps believing that BDSM is mainly about pain, power or a game, we will keep missing people who recognise themselves in it and could finally relax into it. Identity needs recognition, and recognition needs knowledge.

A deeper layer of personality

Researchers at universities worldwide increasingly see the same pattern: many BDSM practitioners describe their preference not as a technique, but as a deeply felt layer of their personality. This becomes strikingly visible in a study by Veronica Kim and colleagues (Journal of Positive Sexuality, 2025). The participants describe BDSM as a form of personal growth, emotional regulation, meaning-making and authenticity. Not something that takes place exclusively within a session, but something that carries over into how you communicate, how you love and how you show up in relationships.

For some, BDSM was even the key to self-acceptance. The researchers stress that BDSM cannot be seen separately from its social context. Shame, fear of rejection, secrecy and stigma colour the way BDSM practitioners shape their identity. Where they do experience safety and acceptance, they report greater wellbeing, more stability in relationships and a deeper form of self-confidence.

What you do, who you are and what you keep returning to

This emphasis on identity appears in more research. In “The Structure of Kink Identity” (Vivid, Lev and Sprott, 2020), a distinction is made between three levels: what you do, who you are and what you keep returning to. They describe how, for many people, kink becomes interwoven with values such as honesty, equality, care, tension and power. Not because you were ever taught that, but because it feels like the way in which your body and mind function most relaxed, most open and most truthfully.

The authors show that people who identify as Dominant or submissive often do so because it reflects their inner structure. Not because someone once talked them into it, but because it touches their deepest layer. The researchers therefore argue that BDSM should no longer be seen solely as a practice, but also as a possible dimension of identity.

Sexual orientation

Some studies go even further and speak of a possible orientation. For example, the “Kink Orientation Scale” was recently developed, a measuring instrument that examines whether BDSM functions for some people the way sexual orientation does: something stable, recurring, not learned and not easily changed. The preliminary conclusions show that a considerable share of BDSM practitioners do indeed experience it this way. This is supported by experiences from qualitative studies, such as the study by Santos (2025) among Portuguese heterosexual men who identify as submissive.

They describe their submission as a natural, emotional state, not role play or fantasy. The phrase “coming home to yourself” recurs remarkably often. One of the men explains that for years he thought he was broken, until he entered a relationship in which he was allowed to live out his submission. Only then did the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. He did not become a different person, he finally became himself.

Coming home

This feeling of coming home is recognised in many studies. The large Kink & Flourishing study by TASHRA shows that BDSM is not only found in people without trauma, but also in people who develop more resilience, stability and self-reliance through their BDSM experience. Kink is described there as a form of psychological recovery: a place where tension, fear or old patterns gain new meaning within a framework of consent, safety and clear roles.

This ties in directly with themes such as mental safety in BDSM, because these determine whether an experience becomes healing or harmful. The research shows that people who feel safe within their BDSM identity suffer less from shame and more often choose healthy, equal relationships. This too indicates that BDSM cannot be reduced to purely physical play, but can be a path towards depth.

Not an act but an identity

What does it mean in practice when BDSM is not an act, but an identity? First of all, it changes the way you choose. A Dominant woman who experiences her Dominance as an inner layer will not easily be happy in a relationship in which she always has to soften, adjust or please. Her Dominance is not behaviour you can switch on and off at will. It is a way of feeling, thinking and relating.

With a submissive man it works exactly the other way round: when submission is a natural point of orientation, a relationship without surrender often feels empty or incomplete. That does not mean every relationship has to revolve around sessions or play, but that the dynamic layer of power, care and structure forms a foundation. You can be as in love as you like, but if your relationship offers no room for your identity, tension will arise sooner or later.

Less suffering from inner conflict

In addition, it changes how you look at yourself. Research shows that BDSM practitioners who recognise their kink as an identity suffer less from inner conflict. They no longer see their desires as a deviation, but as part of their natural make-up. This carries over into self-confidence. It makes people steadier, because they no longer have to hide themselves. They can state their boundaries better, because they understand their own dynamic better.

Visibility

A third effect is visibility. Many BDSM practitioners experience tension around sharing their identity. Several studies show that shame arises mainly from societal misconceptions, not from the experience itself. People are afraid of being judged, especially by family, employers or healthcare providers. That makes it harder to be open, but it is precisely that openness – when chosen safely and carefully – that often proves liberating. In Kim's study, several participants say they only found peace when they no longer had to carry their BDSM identity as a secret. That does not mean everyone should do this, but it does mean there is strength in recognition. The taboo is often bigger than the reality.

Researchers also see that BDSM identity creates social connection. People who recognise themselves in a Dominant or submissive core often find deep recognition among others in the community. The feeling of “I am not alone” can be an enormous relief. It offers language for something that was previously unspeakable. Within that community, experiences are shared, new insights are gained and room for growth arises. That applies just as much to beginner subs who are finding their bearings as to experienced Dommes who want to develop their power further. After all, identity keeps growing, regardless of experience.

Thinking more consciously about consent

Finally, an interesting movement is visible in how people shape their lives when BDSM is part of their identity. Several studies show that BDSM practitioners think more consciously about consent, responsibility, communication and boundaries. Because these themes are so central within BDSM, they seep through into the rest of life. People build healthier relationships, dare to be more honest and dare more often to choose what truly suits them. That may well be the core of all this: when BDSM is a layer of identity, it becomes a compass. It shows where you breathe freely and where you get stuck. It helps you choose relationships that fit, instead of relationships in which you lose yourself.

Anyone who sees BDSM as identity does not see a game. They see a world of desire, structure, growth and truth. Not because it has to be, but because it is the way your heart beats. That is why it is so important that science keeps researching this better and better, and that there are platforms that make this knowledge accessible. There is nothing wrong with BDSM as a technique. But there is also nothing wrong with BDSM as a lifeline. The one does not exclude the other. The only question is: what feels right for you?

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mrs Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com