BDSM the way it’s supposed to be

“BDSM the way it’s supposed to be” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Picture this: a dark room. The Dominant Lady sits on a throne-like chair, dressed in shiny latex. Her gaze is unrelenting, her voice hard and commanding. In front of her kneels the sub, neatly in perfect posture, eyes lowered, hands behind their back. Every command is carried out without hesitation: “Sit. Crawl. Lick.” No backtalk, no doubt, everything exactly by the book. Somewhere you hear the whip rhythmically slicing through the air, because yes, a “real” session has to include whipping. The sub shivers, exactly as they should. And the Lady? She naturally radiates, above all, unapproachable strictness, because being soft or playful doesn’t belong in this picture.

BDSM the way it’s supposed to be

Can you picture it? This is the image so often painted of how BDSM is supposed to be. Strict, tightly choreographed, hardcore and above all: always erotically charged. As if a Dominant is only credible when she hands out cold orders, pushes her sub to the limit and, naturally, enjoys her power in a way that is unmistakably sexual. And the sub? They always do exactly what is asked, with perfect respect and endless devotion. Not a moment of doubt, no input of their own, just obeying. Because that’s how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?

Or in a reversed setting: the stern Master who gives commands in a deep voice, his slave dutifully kneeling, her eyes lowered and her body completely available. He punishes her with precision, she moans at just the right moment, and of course it all ends in a climax in which she gratefully whispers how happy she is with her master. After mostly lots of sexual acts. An image that is often sold as THE truth, while reality is many times more nuanced, richer and more personal.

These kinds of images are confirmed over and over again in porn, in superficial media, and sometimes even within the scene itself. As if BDSM were a stage play in which everyone has to play a fixed role. But anyone who looks a layer deeper knows this is a caricature. It says nothing about the reality of D/s, and certainly nothing about what works in your relationship or play.

BDSM workshops

I give a lot of BDSM workshops for couples. And the first thing I teach them there is perhaps the most liberating of all: nothing has to happen. Everything you have seen, heard or read about BDSM, you can let go of. It isn’t about following a checklist or playing the scene “correctly”. It’s about looking at what suits you and your partner. About creating a blueprint of your D/s together, instead of copying what others think the norm should be.

Yet in the BDSM community I often see the wagging finger. As if there were a universal manual that prescribes exactly how you should do it. Of course, there are techniques you need to take into account. Safety always comes first. Think of physical limitations, hygiene, using toys responsibly. You teach each other things there and that is valuable. But how you then fill in your sessions is nobody else’s business.

Mind your own business

I remember a party where someone asked me: “Do you approve of that with your sub?” In my head I just thought: WTF, what business is it of yours? But I smiled politely and said: “Yes.” Because I know why my sub does what he does. I know what he needs, how I can challenge him and which journey he can make under my guidance. That is something you simply can’t see from the outside. I know that at the moments that I consider important, my sub listens to me perfectly.

And yet it often goes wrong. People look at each other, copy behaviour and then go on to call others to account for doing it differently. As if there were one right way. But let me help you out of that illusion: there isn’t. There is only your way. And it is exactly right, as long as it is safe, agreed upon and consensual.

So let’s stop measuring each other up. Stop judging. Let each other be free and don’t decide for others how it should be done. Because the only way BDSM is truly right is the way that suits you and your (play) partner.

When are you a real BDSMer?

And then there’s that other venomous judgement I hear so often: “You’re not a real BDSMer, because…” Fill in the blank: because you don’t wear latex, because you don’t give heavy pain sessions, because you don’t play in a dungeon, because you’re not public, or precisely because you do all of that ("Ew, commercial"). The label “real” is sometimes used within the BDSM scene as a weapon to call others to account. But don’t be fooled: there is no yardstick for authenticity. You are a real BDSMer as soon as you consciously choose to explore a dynamic with your partner(s) in which power, surrender, play and connection play a role. Full stop. Everything on top of that is personal interpretation, not a measure of authenticity.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com