How to find a play partner or Dom

“How do you find a play partner or Dom” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

"How do I find a Dom or play partner?" is perhaps the most frequently asked question that lands in my digital inbox – almost daily. No, that's actually not true, the most frequently asked question is: “Will you be my Mistress?” And when I say I'm not interested (because why would I want to become that for a complete stranger?), the next question follows promptly: “But do you happen to know someone who would?” If I'm in a good mood, people get a reasonable answer, but if I'm busy I just say that I'm not an employment agency.

It seems to completely escape these people that they're not the only ones asking me this question. Yet it happens daily, via Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or Fetlife. The platform makes no difference, the questions are the same everywhere. Someone wants something and apparently I'm supposed to arrange it. The mostly young subs then also add that “they'd do anything for me.” In fantasy that surely sounds deliciously horny, but seriously? When I read something like that, I immediately think: “Oh, so you want me to use you for your own sexual fantasies?” What they actually mean is that I may take everything from them, for free and for nothing. Because I don't get the impression they want to pick the weeds from between my paving stones. Which, for me, would be perfectly fine under the heading "anything".

Offended

Every now and then – when I politely decline their offer – they're even offended. As if I'm turning down "God's gift made in Heaven". As if I should feel somewhat honoured that they offer themselves to me. They don't understand it when I say I don't need them. Because why would I? Think! Why would I want to play with you? You, that great unknown? Do you really think I have nothing better to do?

And of course I understand. Dominants are thin on the ground, wafer-thin even. While there's a huge number of subs. Or at least curious people, because among that tsunami of subs there are also really a lot of wannabe subs. They want the experience mainly in their heads, but actually enduring the humiliation and feeling the pain is a completely different story. That's why a remark like “I'd do anything for you” is so foolish. Especially if you're still inexperienced. Because then you don't yet know at all what you would want to do for me, or be able to do.

Not easy

But back to the subject, "How do you find a play partner?". Finding the right play partner isn't all that easy. Although sometimes it can also just land in your lap. I had to go through quite a search to find my sub/partner, and once I had found him everything seemed to fit straight away. He was more than worth the search. My slave, on the other hand, was pretty much thrown into my lap. A mutual friend asked whether I was interested and, to be honest, at first I really wasn't. I had a busy life and there was actually no room for anyone else. But I got talking to her and, because she expected nothing from me, she ended up getting everything. That contact also developed quite naturally. And that's how it should be.

Small discussion

Some time ago I had a small discussion about this with someone on Fetlife. He was rather indignant about the fact that after a week he still hadn't found anyone who wanted to play with him. That there were women who didn't even bother to respond to his message, and other women who wanted money for contact. He was ready to throw his BDSM conviction out of the window. After just a week? Wow. That conviction must run really deep.

Usually I don't respond at such length, but this time I took the time. In hindsight a bit of a waste of my time, because I turned out to be talking to a wall of self-pity. I wrote to him that it's rather odd to think that if you want something badly, someone else should give it to you. That those women might have been busy and not sitting behind their screens waiting for him?

Perhaps they were simply too busy to reply, or didn't log in to Fetlife every day? And they probably receive requests like this daily? It's sometimes impossible to politely turn everyone down, and why would you be obliged to? After all, you're approached out of the blue by a complete stranger and apparently you're then obliged to send an answer back. Why? Because that other person wants it so badly??? Er…

Paying for BDSM

And yes, then there are also women who charge for it. That's their right, and it doesn't make them bad. Oh, you don't want to pay for it? That's your right too, but that doesn't mean the other person should simply give it to you… Because you sent such a nice little message? No, surely not.

Mutual trust

I tried to point out to him that every connection arises from mutual interest, preferably without expectations beforehand. Go to a Munch, go to a party, sign up for one of those VSSM youth days, place an ad on a dating site. Get to know each other first in a normal way, see whether you click in all sorts of areas, be interested in each other, and who knows, a moment may come when you want to play together.

However, it seems that many young people are in a hurry. It has to be right now, if possible, and with as little effort as possible… If that's your attitude, you're indeed better off throwing in the towel and giving up on BDSM. Perhaps it's a good idea to try again in about 20 years. When you have a bit more patience.

Tips and tricks!

How not to do it is clear enough. But I haven't yet talked about how to do it. And I have to be honest: as a sub, it's not easy to get it right either. Because one Dom wants you to say “Ma'am/Sir” straight away and another doesn't want that at all. That's why the most important tip I can give you is: “Always stay close to yourself!” Because if it doesn't feel right to address someone you don't know yet as “Sir and Mistress or Master” straight away, then you want a Dom who feels the same way about it. Only by staying close to yourself can you find the play partner who suits you!

Tip two that I'd like to give is to pay attention to what you write. Don't start your first message straight away with all your wishes and what you hope to experience. Rather, write something about yourself, immerse yourself in the other person and write something about them. Give the other person the feeling of being special and that the message was written especially for him/her and isn't a copy/paste job.

Tip three. Sending a photo is nice, but preferably not of your genitals. Nobody is waiting for that. Perhaps you could also take a critical look at your profile: does it radiate what you want it to radiate? Empty profiles can expect empty answers – or even no answers at all. Make your social media profile truly yours. With words that are yours and images that represent you. Show who you are, and that doesn't have to mean you're clearly visible. You don't need to feature prominently with your face in a photo to present yourself well. There are such good alternatives. If you just take a little time for it.

Tip four. Take your time, be patient. Perhaps you've waited weeks, months or even years to take this step, and then you take it… and expect results straight away? Take the time to walk this path, take the time to get to know the other person, take the time to educate yourself and be patient. The harder you pull on something, the less quickly it will come loose.

Tip five. My last tip, and one I've actually just touched on already. Unknown, unloved. Show yourself! Go out and get to know people. Sign up for parties, go to events, show your face. Do you find all that scary? I understand, but then try something low-threshold like going to a munch. A great option for getting to know like-minded people in a pleasant way. A next step might be a play party, who knows!

Get to know people, talk to them, show interest, present yourself but don't force yourself on anyone. Just be your lovely self and don't pretend to be someone else. The chance that you'll meet the play partner who suits you is then many times greater.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mrs Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com