Humour within BDSM, what is its added value?

"Humour within BDSM, what is its added value?" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

For me, humour plays an important role in my BDSM experience. Years ago I went to a party of the VSSM with my sub. Back then it was still at the fantastic Banana's in The Hague. When I go out for an evening, I mainly want to have fun, have a bit of a laugh, nothing too serious. So it happened regularly that my schlemiel and I would walk into a room laughing or chatting cheerfully, and immediately hear: "Sssssssssssssttttttt!" And that really wasn't because we were so loud, but well, sound did come out of us.

I would then quickly pull the door shut again, because my little schlemiel is rather noisy when I torment him... and I always have to laugh so hard about that. For me, his whining and writhing is the best trigger for my laughing muscles you could possibly imagine. Put in a populist way: I really get off on that (ew, what a cringey expression this is).

Humour without humour

With the people in the shushing rooms, things were a lot more serious. And I see that more often around me. Deadpan faces full of concentration. Perfectly fine, of course, because if that suits you, then you should definitely do it that way. But it doesn't suit me. I love to laugh. So I don't mind a bit of bratting at all, and I find my sub's wit or evasive moves extremely pleasant, even if it's often not even meant as a joke.

The harder he screams, the harder I roar with laughter. It probably has something to do with gloating and enjoying my sadistic side. For me, BDSM at least goes hand in hand with a broad smile. And no, not always. When I let my sub slide into the deeper layers of humiliation, my focus is there. Although even then I still hear myself say things that I find hugely funny. At such a moment I try to hold in my laughter a little.

Laughing is healthy! (and a painkiller)

BDSM is often associated with intense and serious scenes. Yet a touch of humour can break the tension and add a playful dynamic. Humour can also serve as a way to explore limits without overstepping them. A playful remark or a funny nickname can help build comfort and trust, which is essential in any BDSM relationship. As the old saying goes: "A couple that laughs together, stays together." Not so strange, because laughter connects.

Laughing is not only a sign of enjoyment; it is also a powerful biological tool. When you laugh, your body produces a cocktail of feel-good substances, such as endorphins, serotonin and oxytocin. Endorphin works as a natural painkiller and can even reduce the perception of pain - an interesting fact in BDSM, where pain often plays a deliberate role. This explains why some people burst out laughing after a firm spanking; the body responds with a wave of pain-relieving chemicals, so the experience can feel euphoric rather than uncomfortable.

Strengthening the bond

In addition, laughing together strengthens the bond between you. It promotes the production of oxytocin, also known as the "cuddle hormone," which creates a deeper emotional connection between partners. In BDSM, laughter can therefore not only ease the pain, but also strengthen the relationship between Dominant and submissive. It is a non-verbal confirmation that both parties are enjoying themselves and feel safe. I'd say, make the most of it.

Laughter as a safety mechanism

Humour can serve as a barometer for gauging how comfortable the other person feels. An unexpected giggle or a fit of laughter can indicate that someone feels at ease, even in a vulnerable position.

Moreover, humour can help prevent misunderstandings. Imagine an experience not going entirely to plan - perhaps you get tangled up in a rope yourself, or you wrestle with the Allen key of a CBT toy (me; which is why I always quickly hand it over with the instruction: "go and put it on yourself"). Instead of ruining the mood, a shared laugh can turn the moment around and make the experience more human.

When humour spoils the mood

Although humour can be a valuable addition, it is important to know when it is appropriate. An inappropriate joke at the wrong moment can lessen the intensity of an experience, and that is of course not what you want.

Some people prefer a serious, intense atmosphere without distraction. In such cases, a joke can be experienced as disruptive or even disrespectful. So it all comes down to mutual alignment and understanding. Know where the other stands.

Humour as part of BDSM culture

Take the British film "Preaching to the Perverted" from 1997, a comedy that portrays the BDSM scene in a humorous way. The film shows how humour and BDSM can go hand in hand, and how it can be a means of normalising and destigmatising the community. And that is of course absolutely wonderful!

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mrs Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com