Lights can go out, why would you let this happen?

“Lights can go out, why would you let this happen?“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

It's the weekend and a friend of mine, a sub, is visiting our play house. Just for a cup of coffee. We're sitting chatting comfortably and he tells me about his failed D/s relationship with his last Mistress. A heavy story, and he says that this is why he has withdrawn from "the scene" (for months now). We've known each other for about ten years, so I spontaneously offer him: "If you miss it, why not come and play here some time?" After all, I know how desire can grow after such a time without. He gratefully takes up the offer. When he goes home, it has become dark and the lights in the lanterns illuminate the street.

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In my search for a new potential private sub, I came across a serious young man. Soon we will have our first play party away from home, and because I want to know exactly what I'm dealing with, I want to have met up a few times beforehand. That way we're already a little attuned to each other.

This weekend

This weekend they were both going to come. It started on Friday with my potential private sub. He arrived, neatly on the agreed time. Lovely. We drink a cup of coffee, catch up a bit and then I take him to the play room. We have a lovely scene, do some new things again, I let him get acquainted with various whips and a few canes. A bit more than last time. We have another drink afterwards and he leaves. And as soon as he's gone, I feel the hangover.

The next day the friend, the sub, comes. We drink coffee, catch up, I play with him for a few hours. We have a drink and a chat afterwards and he leaves. Again I feel the hangover.

Why that hangover?

"Why that hangover?", you may wonder. I'm going to try to explain it to you. When I'm expecting a sub, whether paid or unpaid, I live towards that appointment. My body (muscles and joints) is unfortunately worn out. That means I take my energy expenditure into account beforehand, so that during the experience I can give as much as possible. For me, BDSM is a serious experience, and I want to do it as well as I possibly can. During an experience I am focused solely on the sub. Physically but also mentally. "How is he reacting? How is the skin reacting? Where is he at? How does his energy feel? How do his eyes look?" Et cetera.

And yes, I enjoy what I do, I enjoy the welts, but believe me, it doesn't make me wet. During an experience I am mostly giving. A huge amount of energy. After the experience I am empty. My partner/sub and slave know that; subs who are a little further removed from me don't. Because I don't flaunt it. But then I have truly given everything. This means that after a session I can often hardly walk and my whole body hurts. I often can't sleep at night because I no longer know how to lie because of the pain. That is my own choice, though, so I blame no one. It's simply my way. I can't do it any other way, it's all or nothing.

A session of 2 or 3 hours means at least a whole day (and night) for me. This is one of the reasons why I don't often meet commercially. I think it's important that the appointments I make are with someone who has consciously chosen me, and where I don't get the feeling that he just wants "a horny appointment with "a" Mistress. If I get that impression, I back out. My body is worth more than those few hundred euros. Money is no driving force for me, and never has been. Appreciation and an intense, sincere experience are.

Empty-handed

And that is exactly what this is about. Both subs, the private sub as well as the friend, had arrived here empty-handed. Don't get me wrong, it's not about a bunch of flowers, a box of chocolates or whatever gift you bring, it's about a token of appreciation. An exchange of energy. I give to you, you give to me. With commercial subs this takes the form of money (both a fair energy transfer, because money is also energy, delivered in the form of labour) and with private play it can take the form of a nice gesture, showing how much you appreciate what you're given and how much respect you have for the other person. After all, I don't have to do it, I truly owe nobody anything.

I do it because I feel the world is sometimes dark and selfish enough already. That people are far too preoccupied with themselves. I like to be that little light every now and then that brightens up the darkness for a moment. But little lights can go out too. Because of hangovers like these. And no, I'm not going to ask for it beforehand, because that takes all the shine away. It has to come from you.

Balance

In life, everything revolves around balance. Giving, taking. Light, dark. Day, night. Good, bad. All opposites are inextricably linked. They depend on each other. This also applies to BDSM. The D and the s are inextricably linked during an experience and it should be an exchange of energy. Giving and taking. When someone only comes to "take", the balance is lost and you get an imbalance. Every form of imbalance makes you ill.

Within Femdom a much-heard phrase is: "Everything for the Mistress", but what exactly is that "everything"? Does it mean, for example, that I can make you remove all the moss from my entire garden on your knees during a session? Without any play in return? Or can I use you as a cocksucker when you're not bisexual at all, because I happen to feel like it? Regardless of the fact that it's a no-go for you? Believe me, if "everything" means that I may go over your limits without restraint and entirely do as I please, you'll be gone quickly. And I'd even agree with you. Respect and trust form an important foundation.

But hey, hello-oh! This applies to both sides. One-sided cross-pollination (read: energy transfer) happens to be a no-go for me.

What is real?

As a Pro Dom I regularly get the remark: "I want to experience it for real, so I don't want to pay for it". In my view, what you're actually saying is: "I'm a selfish boor who only comes to take something and begrudges the other person anything!" Because commercially the experience is exactly the same as the experiences I do unpaid, it's not as if I suddenly become a different person. There is, however, one essential difference. Commercially there is an equal energy transfer. A fair balance. And that is exactly what BDSM is about! When I play privately, I hope to be able to experience this balance in a different way.

And yes, sometimes there are moments when I gladly want to give my fellow human something and do it for free. But if that is treated so casually that I end up out of balance, I would rather not play in the end. After all, no one can ever be worth it that the play comes at my own expense. Never.

Money-grabber

So am I a greedy money-grabber? You're welcome to think so - I don't care -, but then also try to look critically at yourself. Because if you expect me to give you a free session (where all the material investments have been made by me and there is a one-sided energy transfer), can you at least explain to me why I owe you that?

Cherish the little lights around you. Especially those that can still sparkle beautifully. Because if you don't cherish them, the world will become ever greyer. And let's be honest, how hard is it to show your gratitude, with, for example, a homemade cheesecake? Bring groceries and cook a meal for the other person. Buy a nice gift. Show your gratitude, make sure the energy transfer is in balance. After all, it's not about the value, it's about the amount of energy you've put into it.

Make sure the lights that are still there don't go out...

Mistress Moriah