Where does the Mistress end and the psychologist begin?

“Where does the Mistress end and the psychologist begin?“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

I'm lying on my bed, dozing a little, because I'm ill, when suddenly my phone lets me know with a soft buzzing sound that a message has come in. With one half-open eye I look to see who it's from and what has been sent. The message is from a Mistress friend of mine and she is texting me the question: "Do you happen to have a piece somewhere on this?
Mistress or psychologist?" In my head I flash through all the blogs I've written over the past years, but I can't remember a single one just like that. There is something about setting boundaries, but nothing that really covers this question. The question makes me curious, so I sit up a bit straighter in bed and text her to ask what's going on.

Cutting a long story short

Then comes a story about a sub who is angry, because she apparently doesn't want to solve his problems. Okay, this is a very brief summary of the story and perhaps I'm cutting it a bit too short, but in essence that is what it comes down to. She doesn't feel called upon to be roped in to solve the problems the sub has with his wife.

Not responsible

And that seems completely justified to me. Partly because I believe that as a Mistress you are not responsible for someone else's problems, but also because she clearly stated her boundaries here (which I applaud wholeheartedly!!) and the sub seems not to care about that at all. He even threatens to cancel the appointment. "Be my guest, then", I would think. But this Mistress is a Pro Domme, and a session is her bread and butter. And then it can get a little more nuanced. Because if you do that too often (and there are loads of subs like this), then at the end of the day you simply have nothing to eat.

Rights and duties

This sub apparently felt he was entitled to this extra "service". According to him, my friend the Mistress hadn't responded extensively enough to his lament about his wife. He apparently would have preferred to feed Her the lines for her response and instruct her to solve his problems. I notice more often that many people think they are "entitled to" everything. However, this comes with "duties". In this sub's case, for example, the duty to take responsibility for his own life.

In the basic package

With a wink, I sometimes say that as far as I'm concerned a BDSM experience should be reimbursed in the basic package of your health insurance. And that is certainly not just meant jokingly, because in many cases I really see what (serious) BDSM can mean for people. Peace of mind, getting back in balance, processing stuck emotions, mental growth, being fully seen and accepted, and/or energy to take on life again. Those are just a few examples of where BDSM can play a serious role.

But... that is really something totally different from dumping your responsibilities in a Dominant's lap and saying: "Will you solve them for me?" Then you haven't understood it properly. You are and always remain ALWAYS responsible for your own life. And your problems, you simply solve yourself. Can a Mistress help you with this? Sometimes, but then in a coaching role and only if she is willing to do so herself. And especially not because a sub forces it.

Not a psychologist

A Mistress is NOT a psychologist. It is useful to know a thing or two about the human psyche, especially for the mental side of the experience, but that doesn't make someone a psychologist. A Mistress has other qualities, and if you want therapy, that is really something different from a session.

So can a Mistress do nothing for you in that area? Yes, certainly she can. As a Dominant you can make someone's life more complete and more beautiful, but solving someone's shit is not part of that. As a Dominant you can use your position to give the sub certain guidelines, for example to live more healthily, keep his appointments better (time management) or, if necessary, clean his house regularly, but whether the sub actually does this is ultimately his own responsibility. And of course that goes for every form of coaching.

The tasks above also fall under the Mistress's goodwill. They are certainly not a standard part of her duties. In the case of a visit to a Pro Domme, you pay for the time you are actually present on the spot. All the extra attention around that is a lovely gift, but not something to be taken for granted. Logical, because you don't keep working a few more hours voluntarily (so unpaid) for your employer in the evenings or at weekends either. However much you may enjoy your work.

Don't sit in the psychologist's chair

Recently I heard a Mistress tell how she wanted to give a sub with PTSD a kind of re-experiencing session. So as not to reveal who this Mistress is, I won't go into the details, but that is also NOT the intention. PTSD is a serious matter and you don't tackle it with psychology from scratch. Offering a listening ear, fine! Very human and sociable, but a Mistress is NOT a psychologist. In this case I would say: "Cobbler, stick to your last". Coaching is fine, offering a listening ear too - provided you have the time and the desire - but after that it really stops.

In summary: keep the contact with each other clean, stay responsible for your own life and stand firmly enough in your shoes to guard your own boundaries. And my Mistress friend did that really well in this case. Because no sub and no money is worth going past your own boundaries. I can't emphasise that enough.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com