Getting started with BDSM, but what is the first step?
“Getting started with BDSM, but what is the first step?” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.
Getting started with BDSM, what should you pay attention to? How do you take that first step? You’ve been dreaming about it for a while, fantasizing, reading, searching for information, looking at photos, and wanting nothing more than to experience it for yourself. But how do you get started? Whether you long for submission or dominance, that first step is incredibly exciting.
Looking for information
A good first step is to look for as much information as possible. Not just to satisfy your fantasies, but also to find serious information about the risks, how to use it, and what to look out for. Fantasy is not reality. In reality, BDSM can hurt. That may seem very exciting in your fantasy, but you will find that in reality, your limits will be very different.
Read about the possible risks and what you need to be aware of. In this world, too, not everything is what it seems. In the world of BDSM, you will also encounter people who have less than good intentions towards you. It’s a bit annoying if you only find out when you are tied up and defenseless somewhere.
No-obligation meetings
Once you have read up on the subject and have a clear idea of what you would like to experience, the next step could be to meet other people. You can do this in a very no-obligation and safe way by going to munches or (play) evenings organized by the VSSM or NVSH. There are even special evenings for young people (under 24). The munches are very accessible because they are organized in a “normal bar” with “normal clothing.” This gives you the opportunity to talk to like-minded people in a safe way.
Fetlife
Another way is to become a member of Fetlife. Fetlife is a kind of (free) kinky Facebook. The advantage of this is that you can stay up to date with the various BDSM meetings and parties. Keep in mind that anyone can easily create a free account on Fetlife, so not everything is what it seems. Fakers are everywhere, including there.
In addition to the munches and meetings of VSSM or NVSH, there are various play parties such as Showboat (mixed) or Femdom parties (only for female dominants and male subs).
VSSM
At VSSM evenings, you will meet many like-minded people who will undoubtedly want to tell you more. After all, we all had to take that first step at some point. Dare to approach people and ask questions. Just never do this during a game. During a game, keep an appropriate distance. You can watch, but keep your mouth shut. Also keep in mind that BDSM is intense, and people often need time to recover after an experience. Give them that time. You can watch, but don’t disturb them. Once at the bar, you can talk to people.
And then that leap…
Ultimately, of course, you want to experience it for yourself. Maybe you have a partner with whom you can try it together, otherwise you will have to look for a suitable partner. That is not so easy, by the way. A good BDSM connection is quite delicate and it is important to find someone who matches your vision. Build everything up slowly, don’t jump in at the deep end as a sub, don’t immediately seek out your limits, and even as a Dominant, you shouldn’t want to put your foot down right away.
That enormous bullwhip may look incredibly sexy, but you really need to learn how to use it. If you don’t, there’s a good chance you’ll cause someone permanent damage. And that’s not the intention, of course. If you want to whip, start slowly with a flogger or a few clothespins. Especially if this is your first experience, that can be intense enough. You can’t do much harm with them, but even a flogger and clothespins leave their mark (mentally and physically).
Start gently and build up your play slowly. You really don’t have to run the marathon right away.
SSC
The letters SSC stand for Safe, Sane, and Consensual. In Dutch, we refer to the 3Vs, which stand for: Veilig (Safe), Verstandig (Sane), and Vrijwillig (Voluntary). That sounds nice, and voluntariness and sanity are certainly important, but safety is debatable. Nothing is 100% safe; it’s about how you use the different forms of play. Be sensible and keep your head in the game. So, it’s best not to use alcohol or drugs during a BDSM experience.
Talk, talk, talk
It is extremely important to keep talking to each other. Afterwards, tell each other how you experienced it, what you found intense or, on the contrary, delightful. Only by talking to each other and being honest can you strengthen and deepen the intensity together. If necessary, agree on a “safe word” in advance, so that there is always an escape if you really can’t take it anymore. This applies to both sides, of course, because even a Dominant can reach his or her limits and not want to go any further. Don’t see this as a shortcoming, but as being true to yourself.
Is it just about pain?
No. BDSM is certainly not just about pain. It can also be about servitude, humiliation, or power, for example. There is no one right way. The only right way is your own way. The way that suits you, that you feel comfortable or at ease with. I often say that a BDSM experience is a blueprint of your togetherness. What is fun for others may not be fun for you. Discover your way together and be wary of what others think.
Don’t try to make it into a play by copying other people’s ways, but find your own way. For example, my sub never calls me “Mistress,” but always “darling.” I am his darling, after all. So why would I want him to call me ‘Mistress’? That doesn’t feel “natural” to either of us. I can see his surrender in his eyes, and that’s what matters to me. I also like to laugh during our experience, why not? Why should I act like a bitch when I enjoy everything we do so much? But that’s ‘our’ game! And not yours. You may find it extremely exciting to give each other certain names.
Go on a journey of discovery together and experience how beautiful and intense BDSM can be. Enjoy the moments and enjoy each other.
More information
Source
Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com
