What does the role of the dominant partner look like?

“What does the role of a dominant look like?” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

The dominant is the counterpart to the submissive. Other terms used include: top (English title), master, mistress, domina, sir, madam, dom, goddess, etc. And essentially, they all mean the same thing. It is the active, controlling side in a BDSM experience. The counterpart to the sub (bottom, submissive, slave), the receiver in a BDSM experience.

What does the role of a dominant look like?

What should your role as a dominant look like? Of course, that’s entirely up to you. As you dive into the world of BDSM, you’ll undoubtedly come across all sorts of protocols from people who think “this is how it should be.” My advice: ignore them. Different strokes for different folks, and it’s important that you find your own path here. There are thousands of “right” ways, but for you, there is only one right way, and that is your way. In other words, the way that suits you.

Apart from your own journey, there are a few character traits that are nice to have as a Dominant:

Good communication

It’s helpful if you know how to communicate well. That means, for example, that you don’t just bark out all kinds of commands and directives, but can also listen empathetically and actively. Immerse yourself in the other person, ask open-ended questions, and get to know them. Really get to know them. Because this knowledge gives you the tools to get under their skin. Good conversations also build trust: “I am seen and heard.” Good communication also includes keeping your word. Do you make a promise? Then keep it. If you don’t want to, then don’t make promises. Breaking promises makes you unreliable. And a great experience requires that ultimate trust.

High EQ

Empathy and EQ are inextricably linked to a beautiful, intense experience. It’s important that, as a dominant, you can empathize with the other person’s emotions and feelings. Discover their vulnerabilities, desires, and emotions, and build respect and trust together. The better you get to know the other person mentally, the deeper you can connect.

Sense of Responsibility

As a dominant, you have the other person’s best interests at heart and always ensure safety. This means your own safety as well as the sub’s. The sub’s physical and emotional well-being is paramount. You may play with the other person and administer pain stimuli (physical or mental), but the sub must not be broken. Someone you can see is unstable is, of course, very easy to humiliate, but be aware of the consequences. Who knows where your words might lead. Take responsibility for that. Form a picture of the other person beforehand by having meaningful conversations. Always stay vigilant and don’t lose sight of the other person.

Self-assured

It’s good to know yourself well, to know where you stand, and to know your own limits. Keep both feet firmly on the ground and see through all that glorification (Oh Goddess!!). Always remain open to self-development so you can continue to grow in your role as a dominant. After all, you never stop learning. It is precisely by being eager to learn that your self-confidence and self-awareness can grow, thereby intensifying the experience.

A healthy dose of creativity

A good dose of creativity and innovation comes in handy. As a dominant, you sometimes need to be able to switch gears quickly, respond to situations as they arise, and remain innovative (or at least surprising). The same game that keeps repeating itself and thus becomes predictable is pretty boring.

Be patient

Patience is a virtue, even within BDSM. Sometimes things take time. And that doesn’t mean you have to patiently figure out how to use some clunky toy – you can easily delegate that to the sub. It means you need patience to let certain things develop. BDSM isn’t a race; it’s like a fine wine that needs time to age. That’s how it is with BDSM, too. Take your time – it’s not a competition.

Respectful and loving

In many porn videos, you see dominant women yelling at submissive men, stomping their feet, and acting grumpy. That’s fine if this is your blueprint (way of playing), but it is absolutely not a prerequisite for an intense experience. You can also dominate someone lovingly. Even within humiliation, love plays an important role.

Respect is, of course, a prerequisite for a beautiful dynamic. The inequality inherent in a D/s relationship is not synonymous with inequality in respect. It’s important to be able to distinguish this difference for yourself, but especially for your partner.

Example

My partner (who is also a sub) is into humiliation. This means that during a BDSM experience, I completely break him down mentally. At that moment, I make him feel like he is nothing more than a dead mosquito on the wall, a puddle of urine on the floor. However, in everyday life, he is my great love. And I can only reduce him to nothing out of my love for him and because I know how mentally strong he is.

Find a suitable sub

Just as there are so many different subs, there are also so many different dominants. One dominant wants sex with their sub, another doesn’t. One dominant is strict (yet fair), another has a delightful sadistic smile on everything they do. Do you want to get your way by stomping your feet? Do you want to yell and scream? Or do you want to shroud yourself in a mysterious silence? If this suits you, do it! And find a sub who fits that.

Stay true to yourself and guard your boundaries; that is incredibly important. Subs can drain you, cross your boundaries, and be incredibly selfish. So keep protecting yourself, always. Subs can be arrogant, full of self-importance, and that’s when you’re there to hit the brakes. Especially when it means they’re crossing your boundaries… and they exist, believe me.

And if you want to meet like-minded people on, for example, Fetlife.nl or BDSMzaken.nl, you’ll notice there are a huge number of fakers and liars. Try to protect yourself against this and arm yourself. Because there are (relatively speaking) very few dominants. However, there are plenty of subs who want something from you. Because you have something they want. And if you don’t protect yourself, they’ll drain you completely. No, not all of them, of course – there are also genuinely good, nice, and sincere subs out there – but you know… the wheat and the chaff, right?! And if the chaff gets the chance, they’ll drain you dry. And then they’ll cheerfully shout, “Anything for the Master(ess), Master(ess),” but believe me… they’re not that merciful. They’re mostly just turned on by themselves.

Guard your boundaries

BDSM is, by definition, an experience involving mutual and verbally expressed agreement between the people involved. This is called “consensus.”

Within BDSM, we talk about “hard limits” and “soft limits.” Hard limits must not be crossed. Ever. With soft limits, things are a bit less strict. You can play around with these limits a little, tease, push them a bit. This is sometimes called “edgeplay.” You’re essentially playing with the boundaries. Where possible, you seek them out and push them just a little bit. However, you must know exactly what you’re doing and be fully aware of the truly hard limits. Because those are never to be crossed.

Know your limits

To be able to protect your limits, it’s essential that you know what your limits are. Submissives can get carried away and want to go further and further. They’re often driven by excitement and desire. However, this never serves your best interest. So it’s incredibly important that you know exactly where your limits lie and how to protect them.

No one (not even your partner!) is worth crossing your own boundaries. Doing so harms you—in the short term, but also in the long term. Setting boundaries is just as important for the sub as it is for the dominant.

Set your boundaries clearly in advance and agree on a safe word that you can use when things go too far. This can also mean speaking up when something falls within the agreed-upon parameters but ultimately doesn’t feel right to you. Always stay true to yourself and keep a close eye on your sub. Sometimes they need to be protected from themselves, because arousal is a powerful motivator. So keep a clear head.

Expressions

Topping from the bottom is a commonly used expression in the BDSM world, meaning that someone in the submissive position wants to determine the course of the play.

A servicetop is someone who determines the play based on the bottom’s explicit instructions and/or preferences.

More information

What exactly is a switch?
BDSM – Theme page
Relationships & Roles – Theme Page

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com