Reciprocity is crucial within Femdom

“Reciprocity is crucial within Femdom” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

If you visit this site regularly, you know that I give BDSM workshops. I do this mainly for beginning dominants/Mistresses (m/f) but also for couples who have got stuck within their relationship and could use a little nudge in the right direction. Because the workshops are tailor-made, it is important to me to find out beforehand what exactly is needed. Because that is not always what is asked for. And with couples in particular, there can be more going on that may be important for me to know.

Ultimately, a workshop is about more than just techniques; sometimes the coaching part is far more important. So I always have a preliminary conversation. Sometimes someone knows very concretely what he or she wants, and the contact can be brief, but sometimes a bit more time is needed. A phone call can often be very clarifying.

Just stepping into that role

I also notice that it is always the submissives in the relationship who say they "want to do something with BDSM" and expect their partners to "just" step into the dominant role. But of course that doesn't quite work like that. Then you have no respect for your partner, nor for the dominant role. Because for the "giver" too, this means a considerable step and/or leap into the deep end.

The submissive, in this case "the taker", may have been preoccupied with BDSM in their head for years, but that doesn't apply to the dominant. She has it thrown into her lap "suddenly", and is expected to just go and do it. Out of love for her partner she often does want to, but... that requires steps. And that isn't always recognised.

What do you think?

So it is hardly surprising that it is often the potential dominant partner who contacts me. They often really do want to answer their partner's request, but how? One of the most important questions I always ask is "but what do you yourself actually think about it?" In some cases nobody has thought about that before. Remarkable, because even if you want to do it out of love for your partner, you should never demand of yourself that you step over your own boundaries.

Nobody should ever expect that of you. The "taker" can at the very least expect that the "giver" needs just as much time to grow into the idea. And it is in both their interests that this time is actually taken.

BDSM is about reciprocity. Action, reaction. As a sub, you can never put everything on the dominant, especially if she is not that experienced yet. If you want to achieve something together, you will actually have to do it together. And that does not mean throwing the other person into the water without a lifebuoy. You won't achieve anything that way.

Take your time

Take the time to go through this process together, and as a sub make sure the dominant can grow into this role. This does not mean tearing the other person down when it doesn't go well. No, it means you compliment her on her steps. If she does something that in your eyes isn't right, she isn't doing it on purpose. The fact that she wants to try this for you says enough about her love. She is probably doing her damn best, even if she isn't yet where you would like to see her.

It is not up to the sub to lean back and lounge about, expecting the other to do everything. Because "she decides, blah blah blah". You might expect that of someone with a huge amount of experience (and even then you shouldn't behave like that as a sub) but certainly not of someone who is taking very fragile steps.

Encouragement

It is so easy to tear someone apart over the mistakes that, in your eyes, are being made. But believe me, feel free to look at the plank in your own eye... I can't say it often enough: BDSM is about reciprocity. It is a superlative of love, not of selfishness. And if you expect your partner to become your Dominant, then a great deal of effort, patience and encouragement is needed on your side too.

Very often a BDSM workshop can help. Then I see very insecure (but above all eager to learn) givers come in and leave afterwards as self-confident, enthusiastic dominants. And wow... how beautiful that is to see. But very occasionally all reciprocity has been destroyed and someone is already broken, before she could even spread her wings...

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mrs Moriah
Photography: 123rf.com