The difference in our self-image

“The difference in our self-image“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Recently someone asked me: "Why do you see more men in BDSM than women? Are they afraid to dip their toes in the water?" Nice question, and it got me thinking. When I look at Fetlife and/or play parties, I do indeed notice that men are in the majority. Of course that is not a fair reflection of society, so it has nothing to do with there being more men than women in general. I think it mainly has to do with an important difference between men and women. Namely how we look at ourselves. The self-image of men and women differs like night and day.

Different is simply different

Of course I am going to explain this. Women and men are different, not only physically but also mentally. I say “different” and I do not say “better or worse”. There is no value judgement in “different”. I regularly see this difference at my BDSM workshops for couples. It is usually the man who, at some point in the relationship, dares to say that he has BDSM desires. Usually from the submissive position. Let me say straight away that I always find this super brave.

The woman is quite willing to go along with it, because she loves him, but the step of suddenly hitting her partner with a whip or dominating him is often huge. In many cases this has to do with her self-image. She often doesn't think she is good enough and doubts whether she is doing everything right. That is when they come to me for a BDSM workshop.

Self-confidence

Often the most important component during a workshop is “self-confidence”. During a workshop I see women change within a few hours from insecure, loving women into confident, dominant ladies who get pleasure from what they do. Physically, that translates into uncertain, gentle taps with a flogger on arrival, with an unsure look in their eyes, and at the end of the day firm strikes with a single tail or slapper with an enormous smile on their lips. Full of energy and confidence, they leave the premises again at the end of the workshop.

A quick disclaimer

I find this magical every time, and it is wonderful to see how the ladies blossom during the short time of a workshop. And it is precisely this insecure self-image that contrasts with the self-image of men. Oh wait, I can already hear you thinking; let me add a disclaimer here, because of course I am exaggerating. There are undoubtedly also plenty of confident women and insecure men. Okay, having said that, I will carry on with my story.

Confident

And then on to the men. I will be honest that in my case these are mostly submissive men. And most of these subs have enormous confidence in their abilities. I once had a sub who approached me for an 8-hour session, I got carte blanche and so I was allowed to do anything with him. I will spare you the details, but within half an hour he had left with his tail between his legs. Well, he is not even an exception. I am approached daily by subs who start with: "Mistress, you may do anything you want with me." Apart from it being the stupidest remark ever, I cannot think of a woman who would say this to an unknown Mistress or Master. Exceptions aside.

The difference lies mainly in self-image. That male sub is convinced that he can easily endure all those hardships. He is man enough for that. Unfortunately, reality is something completely different from fantasy. In reality a whip stroke hurts, especially the strokes I give. In the fantasy it was actually only horny, and he even found it more exciting when I hit harder and harder...

Difference in self-image

And I think that this is - among other things - why more men than women are represented in BDSM. But I deliberately added "among other things", because I think there are other components at play too. When I look at the BDSM roles, I mainly see women as slave/sub, little girl or as a Dominant woman. Perhaps a sweet pet here and there, but the other roles are not widely represented by women.

Men, however, have many more to choose from. Take sissification, for example, the emasculation. I have never heard of a FransJosefication, or whatever you would call defeminisation. I will be honest that people no longer look so strangely at a gentleman in a dress or on high heels these days, but until recently it was certainly not a standard street scene. Since BDSM is something of a collective name for everything involving fetish, kink and raw BDSM, it is not so strange that more men than women are represented. After all, many more forms of play can be thought of that are filled in 99% by men.

For example, I have also never seen a woman dressed as a horse pulling a sulky with her partner in it. Somewhere in the world there is surely a woman who loves this, but it is, let's say, not thick on the ground.

Adult Baby

Within ageplay or Adult Baby, too, you find many more male than female babies. I think the need among men to feel "small and vulnerable" for a while is simply much greater than among women. After all, men are usually expected to "stand their ground" in daily life. Going back to babyhood and being completely dependent on "Mommy", so vulnerable and small, can bring them back into balance. Women have that need much less, because - socially speaking - they are simply allowed to be vulnerable.

And of course I am generalising in this blog, which is by no means my intention. There are always exceptions, because perhaps you are that confident woman who would love to be rocked like a baby in my lap, or you are that insecure man who doubts whether he is doing well enough as a Master. It is all fine, all of you are welcome. This is about the greatest common denominator and the question of why there are more men than women in BDSM. Personally, I think the aspects mentioned above play an important role. Do you think differently? Or do you think there are even more reasons? Then I would love to hear it!

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Image: BDSMforyou