What if your partner isn’t into kinky stuff? On desire, longing, and honesty

“What If Your Partner Isn’t Kinky? On Desire, Longing, and Honesty” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

It’s a question I hear often. What do you do if your partner isn’t into kink? What if you’ve discovered something within yourself that feels deep, essential, and right, but your partner simply can’t or won’t go along with it? Many people struggle with this for a long time. Not because they don’t love their partner, but precisely because that love makes it so complicated. Because how do you talk about a desire that feels like coming home to you, while to the other person it feels like something strange or even threatening?

“How do I get my partner interested?”

One of the most common questions is: How do I get my wife (or husband) interested in Femdom, or more broadly, in BDSM? That question often reveals something essential. There’s frustration underlying it, but also hope – hope that the other person might still get on board if you just explain it well enough, bring it up carefully enough, or present it in an appealing enough way.

And here I want to point out something important right away. Desire cannot be taught like a hobby. You can invite someone, introduce them to it, let them get a taste. But you can’t turn anyone into something they’re not. BDSM only works when it comes from within, when curiosity and desire arise spontaneously – not out of a sense of duty or love for the other person.

That’s a painful realization, precisely because many partners do try to force it. They go along with it out of love. They do their best out of loyalty. But if you look closely, you often sense that something isn’t right. The physical act may be there, but the energy isn’t. And that’s exactly what ultimately makes it feel so empty – for both of them.

When someone participates but doesn’t feel it

BDSM isn’t a play you perform for the other person. It’s an experience you share together. When one of the two is inwardly absent, it becomes an empty form. Sometimes even painful. For the submissive, that can feel like being rejected on a deep level – not just sexually, but in who you are. For the dominant, it can feel like pulling on something that won’t budge. In both cases, sooner or later, frustration, sadness, and often guilt set in. Because you don’t want to let the other person down. But denying yourself also comes at a price.

The Confusion Between Love and Desire

One of the most difficult parts of this process is distinguishing between love and desire. We tend to think that if we truly love someone, everything should be able to coexist. But that’s not always true. Love can be genuine – even deep – while sexual or relational needs may differ fundamentally.

For many people, BDSM isn’t a game or a mere extra. It touches on identity, on how you experience tension, safety, surrender, control – or, conversely, letting go of those things. When that aspect is structurally missing, a void arises that you can’t simply brush off. No matter how wonderful the rest of the relationship may be.

The moment the penny drops

Some people then have an experience that brings everything into sharp focus. An encounter – sometimes even by chance. Suddenly, something does feel right. A feeling often described as “coming home.”

That can be incredibly confusing. I often hear people say, “That’s when I finally felt what I’d been missing all along.” That doesn’t automatically mean your partner is falling short as a person. But it does say something about a fundamental mismatch in this area. That experience can be liberating, but also raw. Because suddenly, you know. And once you know, you can’t un-know it.

More information

True BDSM is always about reciprocity
Beautiful, intense, and loving BDSM
The erosion and destruction of BDSM
Psychological – Theme page
BDSM – Theme page

Source

Text & image: Mistress Moriah