The importance of a good pre-session conversation - knowledge is power, literally

"The importance of a good pre-session conversation - knowledge is power, literally" was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

Definition of a pre-session conversation
A pre-session conversation is a deliberate moment of contact before a BDSM session in which you discuss your wishes, limits, medical particulars and underlying needs. It forms the basis for safety, trust and an experience tailored to you.

It seems so obvious. You are in contact with someone, there is a lovely click and a few fantasies fly back and forth. And then comes that question: when shall we meet up? But seriously, imagine you were going to make a parachute jump tomorrow with someone you have never met. Would you simply step out of the plane without talking first? I hope not. Because let's be honest: BDSM is beautiful and intense, but it is not a game of dodgeball. It requires preparation. And above all: a good conversation beforehand.

Worth its weight in gold

Whether it is a commercial session or a spontaneous first meeting with a new sub, that first conversation is worth its weight in gold. Not only to make practical arrangements, but to really get to know each other a little. Who is sitting opposite you? What is that person looking for? What do they hope to find, to experience, to feel? And even more importantly: what absolutely not? No body, no mind, no desire is standard. It is tailor-made. And that starts with listening. And honesty.

Not an intake, but an encounter

I never use the word 'intake' myself. To me it sounds too clinical, as if you have to tick off a questionnaire and are then allowed to tie someone to the rack. No. What you want is an encounter. A conversation in which honesty and openness can take centre stage, but also one in which you can get a little deeper inside each other. Because there is always a difference between what someone thinks they want and what someone truly needs. And you only feel that difference if you take the trouble to really listen, not to the words, but to what lies beneath them.

A good pre-session conversation is not a checklist, but a signpost. You are trying to get a sense of the other person. Is this someone who is seeking validation? Does someone want to lose control? Is it about physical or mental pain, about play, about surrender? Or rather about a form of healing, somewhere between the lines? And believe me: you won't see that from a profile picture or a few exciting messages on Fetlife. You only get to know someone when you ask open questions and show genuine interest, as an invitation to honesty.

So what do you ask?

Of course there are practical things you always want to know. Are there no-gos? Things that are absolutely off-limits, even if the play is going well or someone says "anything goes" (always a red flag by the way, nobody truly wants everything). Are there particular fetishes (which you can use in a positive and exciting way)? Are there things someone is sensitive to, or even allergic to the moment you mention them? What is their experience? Have they played before, and if so, with whom, and how did that go?

But more important than the answers is how someone gives them. Does someone speak about their experiences with respect, with wonder, with responsibility? Or is it mostly a list of demands, expectations, wish lists and porn expectations? Look, that says everything. And you need to want to know that before you so much as touch a rope or a whip.

What kind of sub is in front of you?

Not every sub is the same. And not every form of submission calls for the same approach. There are service-oriented types who want to be useful, there are masochists who long for (physical) pain, there are gentle souls who mainly want to feel, and there are subs who first have to learn to breathe before they even dare to let go. That difference is fundamental.

If you don't have that clear, you get a session that feels like a puzzle with pieces from another box. Then you inflict pain on someone who actually wanted to be seen. Or you humiliate a masochist who is so proud of themselves. And then the magic is gone. For good. Whereas a good pre-session conversation can give you the information, right down to precisely that layer where it is really all about.

Safewords, safety and trust

Always ask about the safeword. And not in the manner of "yes, you surely know what a safeword is?". No, make it concrete. Is it 'red'? 'Pineapple'? 'Pachycephalosaurus'? And how does someone use it in practice? Because some people only say it when it is already too late. Others test you with it. Still others don't dare (or don't want) to say it out loud. You need to know that. You need to make it discussable. Because you share the responsibility when you set off on a journey of discovery together.

The safeword is not a sign of weakness, but a powerful instrument. It means someone has so much trust that they dare to place themselves in your hands, with the certainty that the play stops as soon as it no longer feels right. And if that trust is not there, you have to ask yourself whether you should begin at all.

Medical information you must know

And then, just as important, the medical side. Because however well you attune to each other, if someone's blood sugar suddenly plummets or they have a pacemaker that is sensitive to TENS, you need to know. Full stop. Ask about diabetes, heart problems and blood thinners. Ask whether someone has a pacemaker. And don't forget the little things: painful knees, a shoulder that dislocates, an old whiplash injury. You don't have to be a doctor, but you do have to know what you must not do.

And sometimes you discover that someone overestimates themselves. That someone hasn't done a session in two years, but thinks they can still handle everything. You have to be able to name that too. Without judgement, but with clarity. Because your role is not to fulfil a desire, but to create an experience together that is safe.

Commercial or not: this stays the same

Whether you are doing a paid session as a Pro Domme or planning a private meeting with a new play partner, the groundwork stays the same. In fact, it may be even more important in a non-commercial setting, because there is often less structure and aftercare in place. Then you need to be able to rely on each other even more. Be even sharper on signals. And dare to say even more honestly: this doesn't feel right, so we're not doing it. Because nobody benefits if you start too fast, too hard or too uninformed.

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Mistress Moriah

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Text: Mistress Moriah
Image: 123rf.com