Why do people do BDSM?

“Why do people do BDSM?” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

BDSM is a world where desires undress themselves, where masks actually come off as you put them on, and where people don't just play with power, but above all with themselves. But why do people actually do BDSM? What do they find in it? And is the experience the same for everyone? The honest answer? No. BDSM is as multifaceted as the people who experience it. And thank goodness for that.

It is one of the questions I am asked most often: why do people do BDSM? Why would you deliberately want to feel pain? Why would you humiliate someone or let yourself be humiliated? Why would you surrender to someone else, hand over your power, expose yourself to something that falls outside the norm? For many people it feels incomprehensible. They think in black and white: either you are “normal” and like gentle sex, or there is "something wrong with you" that makes you like BDSM. But reality is far more complex and more human.

No ready-made definition

BDSM is not a hobby you practise now and then. It is not a trend, not a trick, not role play just for fun (although of course you may absolutely enjoy it). For some it is a voyage of discovery into their deepest self. For others a way to release tension, feel boundaries, or find themselves. And there are people who find comfort in it, connection, or even healing. It is in any case not a one-size-fits-all activity. Everyone experiences it differently and will take something different from it.

That is what makes BDSM so rich. Because whether you are playing with pain, surrender, humiliation, control, love, service or power, there is always that underlying layer of mutual consent and trust. Without it, it is not BDSM, but theatre or perhaps even abuse.

What do you find in BDSM?

What you find in it depends on what you dare to put into it, how honestly you can look at yourself, how deep you descend and how sincerely you want to immerse yourself in what BDSM really involves. For one person it is a sexual catalyst. For another a form of meditation. In BDSM you find what you are looking for and sometimes (actually quite often) also what you did not expect. Because BDSM invites you to come face to face with yourself. To recognise patterns, revise boundaries and acknowledge desires. Precisely because it is so intense, it is also so pure. You cannot fake anything; your body does not lie.

Is the experience the same for everyone?

Absolutely not. And thank goodness for that. One person needs structure, another chaos. One seeks pain, another stillness. For one person humiliation is arousing, for another it is suffocating. BDSM is not a package you tick off, but a dynamic that you feel, explore and shape together.

That is also why it doesn't work to simply look for ‘a dominant’. Or ‘a sub’. Because the match is not in the role, but in the click. In being able to mirror, complement, challenge and in daring to descend together when everything falls into place. That moment when time dissolves and only the experience remains.

The many currents within BDSM

Countless currents exist within BDSM. Think of femdom, maledom, bondage, discipline, sadomasochism, medical fetish, sensory play, puppy play, cuckolding, mummification, chastity, humiliation play, and so on. Each with its own focus, ritual and dynamic. Some currents are more physical, others more mental or spiritual.

Sometimes you hear people say: “That's not part of real BDSM.” But who decides that? What is a plaything to one person is sacred to another. What one person finds arousing, another finds frightening. As long as it is safe, voluntary and reciprocal, it is valuable. Full stop.

Are you born dominant or submissive?

An interesting question. And the honest answer is: it varies. Some people feel their dominance from a young age. They don't recognise themselves in submission, feel most powerful when in charge and get turned on by control, direction and responsibility. For others, submission is precisely their natural baseline. Not from weakness, but from strength. Because they only feel safe and secure when they are allowed to follow, receive and serve. It gives them peace in their head. A moment of being "off" in a world where you always have to be "on".

But there are also people who only discover later in life what suits them. Who first thought they were dominant, but later feel free in submission. Or the other way round. And there are people who can move between both roles. Who want to experience, feel and play the whole spectrum. That makes the BDSM landscape so rich.

Dominance and submission are not roles you learn the way you learn to ride a bike. They are inner tendencies that can develop, deepen or even change. So you could say: some are born this way, others grow into it. And both are equally valuable.

Why BDSM can sometimes be your salvation

BDSM has the power to touch where words fall short. Because it is not about ‘what you do’, but about ‘what you feel’. It is a way to make contact with your body, your soul, your desire. To process trauma, to make room for grief, anger or unconditional love. It can be healing, precisely because you voluntarily hand over control, or take it completely. It is a space where everything is allowed to exist, as long as it is real.

For some, BDSM is their salvation. Not because they are ‘disturbed’, but precisely because they take themselves seriously. Because they feel there is more. That pain can also be comfort. That surrender also gives freedom. That service is not inferior. And that dominance does not mean you cannot feel love, but that you lead precisely out of love.

Porn fantasy

BDSM is not a stage play, not a porn fantasy and not a trick either. It is a place where people are allowed to be themselves. Where roles blur, where feelings are magnified, and where honesty matters more than perfection. It is raw, intense, pure, sometimes confusing, but always real.

And that is perhaps the core of the answer: people do BDSM because they want to feel. To really feel. In a world where so many things are flat and controlled, BDSM offers a space in which you don't have to censor yourself. You are allowed to be intense. You are allowed to be vulnerable. You are allowed to be different.

That is why people do this. And once you have felt it, you understand that it has nothing to do with the superficial images. You understand that this is not just “a game”, but a way of being.

And once you have felt it… then you know: this is coming home.

Mistress Moriah

Source

Text: Mistress Moriah
Image: 123rf.com